Monday, September 10, 2012

Irate Neighbor Posts Online Critique of Neighbors' Karaoke Session

When his neighbors decided to hold an impromptu karaoke session in the early hours of Sunday morning, Oli Beale decided that an angry knock on the door wasn't going to cut it.

Instead, the 33-year-old advertising creative from Hackney, London, chose the passive aggressive route.

Compiling notes on each ear-shattering performance, he pinned his assessment on the communal notice board at his block of converted warehouse-style flats and uploaded a photo to Twitter.

Beale's stinging observations, several of which would have made Simon Cowell proud, were immediately retweeted several hundred times.

Mr Beale wrote: “Your terrace faces 115 windows so you really did have the perfect stage.

“I’m sure you’re keen to hear our verdict.”

He went on to rank each of their songs out of 10, giving his neighbors’ rendition of Pinball Wizard just three out of 10 and branding it “terrible.”

The only performance to receive a modicum of praise was Elton John's Tiny Dancer, to which Beale commented, 

“I’ve always said it: if you’re going to be woken up after 2 hours’ sleep, it might as well be to a herd of morons screaming ‘Tiny Dancer’.”

Sometimes living on a remote farm in the Scottish Highlands doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all...


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Friday, September 7, 2012

Scientists Develop Remote-Controlled Cockroaches

A team of researchers has created the ultimate spy technology...cyborg cockroaches.

Scientists from North Carolina State University have released a video showing how they are able to manipulate live roaches by attaching a tiny chip to the creatures' backs.

The remote micro-controller is wired directly into the bug's nervous system, enabling the researchers to direct the creature's movements via a series of electrical charges.

The research team hopes that the technology will ultimately be used to gather information from disaster zones and seek out survivors.

Either that or the cockroaches will be stolen by a Russian megalomaniac, fitted with giant laser beams, and used to take over the world.

Then we'll all be sorry we didn't listen to PETA...

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"Giant laser beam? Check. Pocket explosives? Check. Alright chaps, we're going in..."

Sexting Sculpture Displayed in Family Park

A statue of a young woman 'sexting' a photo of her bare breasts in a family park is causing outrage amongst conservative groups.

The bronze sculpture is currently on display in the Overland Park Arboretum in Kansas City - an area popular with families and young children.

The American Family Association of Kansas and Missouri has branded the artwork obscene, and is demanding that the work, 'Accept and Reject' by Chinese sculptor Yu Chang, be removed.

The group has so far collected 4,700 signatures demanding the statue's expulsion from the park - more than enough to compel a judge to convene a grand jury to assess the situation.

We'll be sure to keep you abreast of the matter...



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"And I'm driving without a seatbelt too..."

Quadruplet Schoolchildren Have Numbers Shaved Onto Heads

Unable to tell their own children apart, one couple has come up with an innovative way to assist teachers on the first day of school.

The Chaoyuns, from Shenzhen, China, took their six-year-old quadruplets to a local barber and had him shave numbers onto each of their heads.

Jiang Yunglong, Jiang Yun-Shao, Jiang Yunhan and Jiang Yunlin are now easily identifiable to their elementary school tutors.

Given China's one-child policy, we can only imagine how nervous numbers 2, 3, and 4 are feeling right now...


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"You're all individuals..."

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Tourist Unwittingly Joins Search Party for Herself

When a tourist in Iceland heard that a member of her bus party had gone missing, she helpfully joined the search party.

The night-long operation, involving 50 people in the Eldgja volcanic region in south Iceland, was proving to be unsuccessful when the woman suddenly had a revelation...

She was searching for herself.

The woman had hopped off the bus to change her clothes on Saturday evening, and when she climbed back on again, her fellow travelers didn't recognize her.

When they raised the alert that an Asian woman of around 160cm who was wearing dark clothing and spoke English had gone missing, the woman failed to recognize her description and unwittingly joined the search party.

Eventually realizing what had happened, the woman informed police about the mix-up and the search was called off in the early hours of Sunday morning.

Oops.


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I know I'm around here somewhere...

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Schoolboy Finds Rare Whale Vomit Worth $60,000

A schoolboy has found a chunk of whale vomit that could be worth up to $60,000.

Charlie Naysmith, 8, found the delightful souvenir while walking along a beach near Bournemouth, UK.

Whale sick, known as ambergris, is traditionally used by perfume makers to prolong the scent of perfume.

Its rarity means that it can fetch prices of up to $10,000 a pound.

Before you all start pouring your Chanel No. 5 down the toilet, you'll be pleased to learn that the substance is usually avoided by manufacturers because of its negative association with the whaling industry.

Guess the cosmetic industry finally developed a gill-ty conscience.


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Whale, whale, whale, look what we have here...

Man Posts Self; Narrowly Avoids Suffocation

A man who attempted to surprise his girlfriend by posting himself in a giant cardboard box narrowly avoided suffocation after a delivery company error.

Hu Seng, from Chongqing city in southern China, decided to woo girlfriend Li Wang by posting himself to her office.

He asked a friend to tape him inside the box and paid an unsuspecting courier firm to transport it to Wang's office, where another friend was waiting to film the surprise.

Unfortunately, Seng's grand romantic gesture nearly ended in disaster when the delivery company mixed up the address and delayed the package.

Instead of spending 30 minutes in the sealed box, Seng, who had failed to make an airhole in the container's thick material, was trapped for three hours.

By the time his girlfriend received the package, the luckless Lothario had passed out from lack of oxygen and had to be revived by paramedics.

Nothing says 'I love you' like sending a loved one your cold, dead corpse.


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Surprise! It's my rotting corpse!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bigfoot Run Over by 15-Year-Old Girl

A man who dressed as Bigfoot to fool passing motorists got the ultimate comeuppance last weekend when two teenage girls ran him over.

Randy Lee Tenley apparently thought it would be a good idea to stand in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 in northwestern Montana dressed in a Ghillie suit.

Tenley, a 44-year-old Kalispell resident and presumed virgin, hoped that passing motorists would be fooled into calling in a Sasquatch sighting.

Instead, he was mown down by two teenage drivers, suffered massive trauma, and died at the scene.

The teenage girls are reportedly planning a follow-up road trip next weekend to the North Pole...  


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Randy's mother just didn't understand why her son was still single...

Photo Credit: Melvin G. Tarpley

Thief Steals Phone from Ebola Victim; Catches Virus

In a rare case of karmic justice, a phone thief has gotten exactly what he deserves.

Alright, maybe no one actually deserves to catch a disease that causes severe diarrhea, vomiting, and bleeding from every orifice, but if ever there was a prime candidate it's the cowardly scumbag who steals a phone from a hospital patient.

This particular scumbag, a 40-year-old Ugandan man, took the phone from the isolation ward of a hospital where its owner was being kept in quarantine.

The fact that the hospital workers were all wearing big white biohazard suits should have been this guy's first clue, but apparently they weren't enough to dissuade him from stealing a $23 phone during an Ebola outbreak.

Fast-forward two weeks and our cerebrally-challenged crook is now back in the same hospital from which he stole the phone, being treated for symptoms of the deadly virus.

Sometimes karma's a bitch.


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"You washed your hands today, right?"

Spanish Pensioner Botches Ancient Artwork

A bumbling Spanish pensioner has caused a furor in her local parish by attempting to restore a prized piece of artwork.

Cecilia Gimenez, who is in her 80s, took a brush to a fresco of Jesus Christ that has held pride of place in the Sanctuary of Mercy Church near Zaragoza for more than 100 years.

The amateur painter was reportedly upset at the way the fresco had deteriorated over the years, and took it on herself to "restore" the image.

Unfortunately, Gimenez' efforts were... less than successful.



"Excellent job, Maud.  Now we have a few Picassos over here that could use a bit of touching up..."

As BBC Europe commentator Christian Fraser notes, the once-dignified portrait by Elias Garcia Martinez now resembles 'a crayon sketch of a very hairy monkey in an ill-fitting tunic'.

At some point, Gimenez realized she was out of her depth and contacted a local city councillor for advice.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

Ironically, the local art preservation society had just received a donation from the painter's granddaughter, which they had planned to use to restore the original fresco.

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Friday, August 24, 2012

Student Proves People are Celebrity-Obsessed Morons

A New York student managed to cause a 300-person pileup in the Big Apple by posing as a celebrity in the middle of Times Square.

Brian Cohen, a 21-year-old student with no previous experience in the entertainment business, hired a team of photographers and bodyguards for the day and walked through the city to see what would happen.

Depressingly, hundreds of people flocked to have their photo taken with him, even though none of them had the slightest idea who he was.

Some even claimed to be familiar with his work, declaring that he had a 'great future in the movie business.'

The three-hour experiment, conducted to expose the public's fascination with celebrity, confirmed what most of us have suspected for many years:

People are morons.


Man with World's Lowest Voice Only Heard by Elephants

Think Morgan Freeman has a deep voice? Meet Tim Storms, whose lowest note is so deep that only elephants can hear it.

Storms, a U.S. singer with a vocal range of an incredible ten octaves, is able to reach notes as low as G-7 (8 octaves below the lowest G on a piano).

The notes are so deep that he can't even hear them while he's singing, relying instead on being able to feel the frequencies.

The secret to Storms' remarkable abilities are his unusually long vocal chords, which doctors say are about twice the length of a normal human beings' vocal folds.

He currently holds the world record for the lowest note produced by a human, as well as the record for the widest vocal range.

Storms is now in hot demand from Hollywood voice over producers, who eagerly track him down to use his husky inflection on film trailers.

Probably beats hanging out at the zoo having a one-way conversation with the elephants...


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"I'm sorry, could you trumpet that a little louder?"

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Woman Found Sleep-Swimming in River

An Idaho woman has been found sitting next to a river in her pajamas in the middle of the night in an apparent case of 'sleep-swimming'.

The 31-year-old woman, who has a history of sleepwalking, was found on the bank of the Snake River near her home in Burley, Idaho.

She was suffering from hypothermia and had to be taken to a local medical center for treatment.

The woman's husband sounded the alarm in the early hours of Tuesday morning after he discovered his wife missing and a sliding glass door in their house left open.

Police and neighbors began combing the area and discovered the woman about a quarter of a mile downstream from her home.

Reports indicate that this was the third incident in five weeks involving the woman, who is now being referred to a mental health specialist.

Mental health specialist? She should be given a top-ranking government position, the woman is clearly a multitasking genius...


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"I can't think of a single disadvantage to this sleep-swimming malarkey"

Man Bites Snake to Death in Revenge Attack

When Mohamed Salmo Miya was bitten by a cobra, he wasn't about to take the assault lying down.

The 55-year-old Nepali farm worker was so incensed by the unprovoked attack that he chased the reptile through his rice paddy.

When he caught up with the creature, he decided that merely beating it with a stick was too easy. Instead, he put the writhing beast in his mouth and... bit it to death.

Miya, who lives in a village approximately 200km south of the Nepali capital of Kathmandu, admits that he could have chosen a simpler execution method, but he was just too darn angry.

Chuck Norris, eat your heart out.


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"Erm... can't we discuss this calmly?"

Sleeping Beauty Art Exhibit Forces Participants to Marry Visitors


Disheartened by the disproportionate number of creeps you've been meeting on dating websites? Take a trip to the Ukraine!

No, we're not proposing a mail-order bride or an Eastern European sugar daddy this time. The Ukrainians have a much better idea.

Take a bunch of attractive young women to an art exhibit, have them pose like Sleeping Beauty, and then encourage numerous desperate perverts to come and stare at them while they slumber.

Kissing the defenseless actresses on the lips is actively encouraged.

Oh, and by the way, if they open their eyes when you kiss them, they have to marry you. No seriously, it's in the contract.

The bizarre exhibit is part of a three-week long art project at the National Art Museum of Ukraine.

Visitors, who must be single and over the age of 18, all have to sign a contract upon entry declaring that if they kiss a beauty on the lips and she opens her eyes, they will marry her.

Organizer Taras Polataiko hopes the exhibit will produce a genuine love connection between participants and visitors.

Guess it's got about as much chance as a drunken grope in a nightclub toilet...



Thursday, August 16, 2012

Kangaroo Escapes Animal Park with Help from Fox and Wild Boar

German officials are searching for a sneaky kangaroo who bounded out of an animal park with a little help from a fox and a wild boar.

Three kangaroos initially hopped through a hole in the fence of their enclosure made by a helpful fox.

Skippy, Jack, and Mick then headed toward the Frankfurt park's exterior barriers.

One of them lost interest in the great escape and was recaptured within the park's grounds, but the other two scrabbled to freedom through a hole dug by a wild boar.

Vets eventually caught one of the escapees after a long chase, but the third kangaroo is proving harder to track down.

Several sightings of the mischievous marsupial have been reported, but he is unlikely to return to the park out of hunger because the area has plenty of grass for him to forage.

Zoo officials are reported to be hopping mad...


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Strewth mate, now all I need is a lift across the river from a friendly crocodile...

Bulldog Gets 500 Spikes in Face after Run In with Porcupine

Bella Mae the bulldog learned not to mess with porcupines the hard way after an unfortunate run in with a prickly rodent left her with 500 quills in her face.

Veterinarians in Norman, Oklahoma, had to perform emergency surgery to remove the spines from the three-year-old pup, who is now recovering from the unexpected attack.

Owners Jerry and Allison Noles believe that the critter was visiting their pond for a drink when Bella Mae got a little too close for comfort.

Hopefully the quill-fated mutt has learned a valuable lesson.


 "Hi, my name's Spike"

New York Launches Mobile Paternity Van

Imagine the scene: You're dragging your offspring to the welfare office when you notice the little bugger is considerably taller than all the other children.

No one in your family is tall and your common-law wife can barely reach the top shelf in the fridge when she's fetching you a beer.

What if... but when would she have... wait, what if I'm spending my cigarette money on Pampers when I could be living it up in Atlantic City?

Never fear - mobile DNA testing is here! Yep, if you live in New York, you can simply drag your screaming brat into Manhattan's portable DNA testing truck for immediate peace of mind.

Aptly named 'Who's Your Daddy?', the truck provides results on-site or via mail at a cost of between $299 and $575.

Owner and driver Jared Rosenthal, who has presumably seen enough drama to script an entire season of Maury, cruises around the city providing suspicious fathers with his services.

Mr. Rosenthal, who says he is often flagged down like a taxi, has dealt with numerous situations, including a father who got his daughter's name tattooed on his chest only to later find out that she was not in fact his.

Hopefully he took the tattoo removal costs out of his ex-wife's alimony package...


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In case of a paternity emergency, dial this number...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Husband Solicits Men to Rape Wife on Craigslist

This year's top contender for worst husband of the year goes to a chap in Idaho, who decided it would be a good idea to have his wife raped by strangers on Craigslist.

The 32-year-old Army serviceman, from Twin Cities, posted a casual encounters ad on the website that was supposedly written by his (presumably estranged) wife.

The ad claimed that she harbored a secret desire to be raped and encouraged men to enter her home and forcibly have sex with her 'no matter how much she resisted.'

Obviously delighted by the prospect of carrying out their twisted fantasies without consequence, several would-be rapists responded to the advert and were further encouraged to break into the victim's home.

The poor woman was targeted on two separate occasions, the first of which involved a violent struggle with an intruder who grabbed her gun and chased her around the house with it, randomly firing shots.

It was only after the second rape attempt two days later (which ended with the victim holding the intruder at gunpoint) that police were able to determine the reason for the woman's sudden run of really really bad luck.

Tracing the emails from the second attacker's cellphone, they discovered that the advert had been placed from her husband's workplace at the Army National Guard.

The couple were subsequently reunited, whereupon the woman passionately embraced her husband and thanked him for 'the best belated Valentine's Day surprise ever.'

Just kidding. He's currently in Twin Cities County Jail and his wife is presumably Googling divorce lawyers... 


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"She might sound like she's in fear for her life, but she's enjoying herself, honesty"

Dogs Scare off Grizzly Bear

Most dogs would run a mile if they saw a ferocious grizzly bear heading their way, but these two brave pups decided to stand their ground.

Barking ferociously at the unwanted visitor who had come to check their master's boat for food scraps, the labrador and akita stood guard on the dock until the bear left.

Neither the dogs nor the bear were harmed during the incident, which took place at a fishing camp on the shore of Kurile Lake, in Kamchatka, Russia.

All the same, those pups must be barking mad...



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"And don't come back!"

Unsanitary Burger King Employee Busted by Internet Vigilantes

When a Burger King employee posted pictures of himself tampering with customers' food on a social networking site, he didn't anticipate the level of outrage the photos would cause.

Nor did he predict the tenacity of his online audience - who managed to use the GPS data in the picture to pinpoint where the photo was taken.

Disgusted by the employee's actions, 4chan users tracked down the Burger King branch in Cleveland, Ohio, and reported the unsanitary photos to the manager.

The alleged perpetrator, a long-term employee of the Mayfield Heights branch of the fast food chain, will now be fired, along with the shift manager who was present at the time the pictures were taken.

Hopefully they gave him a good grilling...


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"You don't even want to know what I do with the cream of chicken soup"

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Modern Day Knight Attempts to Bring Back Chivalry in Canada

A 22-year-old Canadian man is on a quest to bring chivalry back to the modern world.

Vincent Gabriel Kirouac, from Quebec, is traveling across Canada on his trusty steed, "Couer de Lion" (Lionheart), dressed in full knight's regalia.

Along the way, the pair are performing valiant deeds, lending a hand on the farms and homesteads that they pass, and promoting chivalry and good manners.

Mr. Kirouac, who is currently six weeks into his journey, is surviving on donations to his website and the kindness and generosity of strangers he meets along the way.

He hopes to reinstate values that have been lost in the modern world, such as devotion, honesty, respect, and goodness.

Yeah, that sounds really hard in Canada.

If he really wants a challenge, he should trek through the Midwest. Day 1: Gallop through Chicago and teach the Black Gangster Disciples the virtues of chivalry, good manners, and respect.

Now that would be a quest worth sponsoring...


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His mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries

Man With World's Largest Penis Frisked for 'Suspicious Package'

The TSA is not exactly known for competence or tact.

So when the man with the world's biggest penis stepped through security at San Francisco International Airport, things were bound to get interesting.

As soon as officers saw the bulging package in Jonah Falcon's pants, he was stopped and frisked.

The 41-year-old New Yorker, who found fame after being featured on a 1999 HBO documentary, patiently explained that he smuggling nothing more dangerous than what nature gave him, prompting the TSA agent to sensitively ask him whether he had 'some sort of growth.'

Missing a prime opportunity to throw in a cheesy porn movie line - "What should we do about this... serious biological threat, officer?"-  Mr. Falcon allowed the agents to pat him down and send him on his merry way.

It's good to see taxpayers' dollars hard at work.
 


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You should have seen the size of the penis that got away...

Monday, July 16, 2012

Cat Celebrates 15th Anniversary as Town Mayor

Disappointed by the contenders for town mayor, the citizens of Talkeetna, Alaska, decided to nominate an alternative.

Using their voting prerogative to elect a write-in candidate, residents suggested a local named Stubbs as their next leader.

Fifteen years later, Mayor Stubbs is still in charge of the 900-person town - although some of the locals complain he's their laziest mayor yet.

Stubbs, a ginger part-Manx cat, has done little for local politics, but he's vastly improved the town's tourism prospects.

Since his inauguration, around 40 people a day flock to Nagley's General Store, where Mayor Stubbs enjoys his afternoon catnip in a wine glass.

The tech savvy feline even has his own Facebook page, which currently boasts nearly 2,000 subscribers - more than the average American teenager.

Best of all, the pint-sized politician has yet to embarrass the town with a salacious sex scandal, preferring instead to hang out at the general store and greet his constituents.

Neutering politicians? Now that's paws for thought...


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"I'd like to propose a new bylaw reducing the tax on catnip"

Friday, July 13, 2012

Deceased Dog Receives Voter Registration Forms

When Rosie Charlston's voter registration forms arrived in the mail, much of the key information was already filled in.

All Rosie needed to do was fill out a few additional details, sign the form, and pop it back in the mail.

Sounds like a simple enough task... except Rosie has neither the political inclination nor the opposable thumbs required to participate in this year's election.

And even if she did express an urgent desire to take a stand in the voting booth, Rosie the black labrador has one more obstacle to overcome...she died in 1998.

The letter, which was received by Rosie's owner, Brenda Charlston, was one of the 5 million registration forms recently sent out by the Voter Participation Center over the past few weeks.

Critics have argued that the organization, which targets Democrat-leaning voting blocs such as unmarried women, blacks, Latinos, and young adults, is deliberately trying to encourage voting fraud.

Several non citizens in New Mexico have already contacted the secretary of state's office asking why they have received forms having previously been told they could not vote.

Deliberate or not, there are bound to be howls of protest in the streets come November... 


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"Having carefully weighed all the issues, I'm going to vote for the guy who offers the most bacon."

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Chocolate Taster Forced to Quit Dream Job After Piling On Two Stone

A man who landed his dream job as a $46,000-a-year chocolate taster has been forced to quit after piling on dangerous amounts of weight.

Angus Kennedy, 47, became a real-life Willy Wonka in 2010 after he was given the role of Britain's chief chocolate taster.

The job required him to munch up to 2 lbs of weird and wonderful confectionery every day and then write about the products in trade journal Kennedy's Confection.

Top manufacturers, including Nestle and Mars, relied on Mr. Kennedy's expertise to sample new products before they hit the market.

Unfortunately, every profession comes with a downside, and in this case it came in the form of love handles.

During his two-year tenure as chief chocolate taster, the father-of-five piled on a whopping two stone (14 lbs) and raised his cholesterol to dangerously high levels.

Mr. Kennedy's doctors warned him that if he continued his treat-filled lifestyle, he was putting himself at risk of a heart attack.

Heeding their warnings, the chocolate lover, from Maidstone, Kent, has stepped down from his position and begun a strict diet and exercise regime to get himself back to his pre-Willy Wonka weight.

The 5,000-subscriber magazine presumably now faces the near-impossible task of finding someone who would be willing to take over Mr. Kennedy's role...


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"My job is killing me in the best possible way"

Photo Credit: SWNS

'Fifty Shades of Grey' Row Leads to Brown Sauce Attack

An irate boyfriend attacked his partner with a bottle of brown sauce after she refused to stop reading a popular erotic novel.

Raymond Hodgson, 31, was charged with common assault after he showed up at girlfriend Emma McCormick's house with a bottle of brown sauce and squirted her in the face with it.

The couple, from Cumbria, UK, had been arguing over McCormick's choice of reading material, with Hodgson protesting that the hit novel "50 Shades of Grey" was 'distasteful' and 'pornographic.'

Their argument continued over a two-day period, before escalating to the point where Hodgson decided he needed to take his revenge.

On June 26, he went to the home where his girlfriend lived with her parents. When she answered the door, they continued arguing until Hodgson slapped her once in the face and squirted her with the sauce.

Hodgson later pleaded guilty to a single charge of common assault in Carlisle Magistrates' Court and was given a 6-month community service order and ordered to pay his victim compensation.

Guess he showed her the true meaning of 'saucy'...


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"Oh no, please don't throw that brown sauce all over me and then smear it into my armpits..."

Punxsutawney Phil Found Guilty of Cemetery Vandalism

When American flags began disappearing from the tombstones of Civil War soldiers, horrified caretakers at a New York cemetery feared that local teens might be to blame.

Setting up surveillance cameras at the historic Cedar Park Cemetery in Hudson, New York, officials vowed to catch the unpatriotic culprits.

Several days later, the scoundrels were revealed - although punishing them for their crimes might prove to be a problem.

The cemetery vandals are none other than Cedar Park's own resident woodchucks, who managed to pilfer 75 miniature American flags in the days leading up to the country's Independence Day celebrations.

Punxsutawney Phil and his furry cronies swiped up to 17 flags a night, leaving the telltale scraps of evidence in their burrows.

The town's mayor told local news sources that the flags were coated in a substance that attracts woodchucks, and that similar incidents had been reported in other municipalities.

We still might not know how much wood a woodchuck can chuck, but at least we've answered the flag-eating question...


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"And there's going to be six more weeks of winter too. Bwahahahaha!"

Car Speared by Teepee Poles

A driver in Washington had a miraculous escape after ramming her car into a trailer full of wooden teepee poles.

The 27ft-long poles smashed through the front windscreen of the driver's Toyota Camry, piercing the entire length of the car before smashing the back windscreen as well.

Amazingly, the female driver survived the accident and was taken to St. Joseph's Hospital in Bellingham with a number of injuries.

Troopers responding to the accident were confused about why the woman had failed to slow down to avoid smashing into the trailer, which had braked to allow a truck to turn off the highway.

A spokesman for the highway patrol said it was a tents situation for all concerned...


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"Alright, who ordered the Toyota kebab?"

Monday, July 9, 2012

Cops Mistaken for Male Strippers

Crazed women at a bachelorette party pouncing on raunchy male strippers is standard Saturday night entertainment in Australia.

Unfortunately, not every police officer that greets the blushing bride-to-be is there for her entertainment.

As a hen party in Darwin discovered to their cost, sometimes uniformed men carrying guns are exactly who they claim to be.

The officers, who had been called to the tavern next to the Humpty Doo Hotel to investigate a disturbance of the peace, narrowly escaped the hen party encounter with their shirts intact.

Fortunately for the women, the law enforcement officials had a sense of humor about the situation and later posed for photos.

Don't try that one in Russia ladies...



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"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

Student Physicists Conclude Batman Would Die on Landing

A scientific study of Batman's cape has concluded that although the superhero might be able to fly, he would suffer horrific injuries upon landing.

Student physicists at the University of Leicester, UK, investigated the aerodynamics of Batman's special rigid cape.

They concluded that the cape - which at 15ft is about half the width of some hang gliders - would be sufficient to keep the superhero airborne over Gotham City.

However, the increase in velocity upon descent would likely result in the caped crusader becoming an unsightly stain on the pavement.

The team of four students found that if Batman jumped from a building 492ft (150m) high, he could glide a distance of around 1148ft (350 metres).

But his velocity would increase to about 68 mph as he descended before reaching a steady 50 mph as he approached street level - a speed too great for him to survive without serious injury.

In the paper, titled "Trajectory of a Falling Batman," the team recommends that Batman incorporate a parachute into his winged attire to ensure a safe landing.

Alternatively, he could use Robin as a crash mat...



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"Holy internal organ failure, Batman!"

Parents Attempt to Smuggle Baby in Luggage

An Egyptian couple attempted to sneak their five-month-old baby past customs officials by stuffing it inside a bag and running it through an airport scanner.

The husband and wife, who had been trying to enter the United Arab Emirates, were arrested at Sharjah International Airport on Friday and charged with child endangerment after exposing their tot to the radiation within the scanner.

Both parents had visas to enter the UAE, but had failed to procure one for their newborn son.

When they were initially detained at Sharjah Airport the couple were told that they would need to stay at immigration until the relevant office opened on Sunday.

Instead, the pair decided to make a break for it when customs staff changed at the end of their shift by hiding the baby in a carry-on bag.

At least the kid only got put through the carry-on scanner. If they'd had a daughter, they would have checked her into the hold...


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How on earth did this get in there?

Jailed Lawyer Sues Over Jigsaw Puzzle Ban

Stretching the Constitution to include the right to privacy is one thing, but a jailed Wall Street lawyer is trying to expand it that little bit further.

Alan Berkun, who was jailed for six years for stock fraud, claims that his First Amendment rights are being breached because prison chiefs... wait for it... won't allow him to keep jigsaw puzzles in his cell.

Yep, Berkun is taking a stand on this important issue, and he won't rest until every prisoner has the right to order jigsaw puzzles from Amazon.com.

The prisoner, who is serving his sentence at a low security prison near Miami, Florida, has taken his case before a judge and government lawyers.

The ban on jigsaw puzzles is currently imposed by the US Bureau of Prisons because the pieces may clutter up cells and pose a fire hazard.

Let's hope that this urgent matter is cleared up before Berkun runs out of books to read in his cell...


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Fleecing people out of millions of dollars means I have to give up jigsaw puzzles? That's outrageous!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Zookeepers Make Smoking Orangutan Go Cold Turkey

Zoo keepers are encouraging an orangutan with a 10-year smoking habit to go cold turkey in an effort to protect her health.

Tori, a teenage primate at Satwa Taru Jurug zoo in Solo, Central Java, Indonesia, will be moved to a different area of the zoo away from visitors to allow her to kick the habit.

The nicotine addict developed her nasty habit when visitors threw lit cigarettes into her enclosure and she started mimicking their behavior.

Why it took 10 years for Tori's keepers to realize that this was a spectacularly bad idea is unclear, although we are talking about a country that actively encourages toddlers to chain smoke.

Good luck Tori - kicking the habit can be a real drag...

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I go ape if I don't get my morning nicotine fix

Mother Foils Son's Robbery Attempt

An angry mother stormed into a Mississippi convenience store to prevent her son from robbing it.

Sharron Mitchell foiled son Roy's attempt to rob a D's One Stop Food Mart by following him into the store and grabbing a fake gun out of his hands as he pointed it at the cashier.

Roy Mitchell, 22, tried to extort money from the cashier in Brandon, Mississippi on Tuesday by waving the weapon around as he paid for a bag of Doritos.


Rather than march her wayward son to the police station, Sharron Mitchell then pleaded with the woman behind the counter not to call the authorities, assuring her that Roy was only "mucking around."

If that's what passes for a lark down in Mississippi these days, I'm glad I live north of the border.


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"Don't worry, it's just a toy. And did you know he wet the bed until he was 14?"

Thursday, July 5, 2012

91-Year-Old Pulls Car with his Teeth

Most 91-year-olds are doing well if they remember to pop their dentures in every morning, but not WWII veteran Mike Greenstein.

The elderly strongman still has the power to pull a 3,800lb vehicle along the street using his own teeth - which he brushes with Kosher salt every morning to keep them in top condition.

Don't believe me? Watch the video...


 

Japanese Invent Robotic Buttocks

Not content with the subway chin rest, the full body umbrella, and the chopsticks fan, those crazy Japanese have come up with the ultimate pointless invention... robotic buttocks.

With the help of artificial muscles under silicon skin, the buttocks quiver when spanked, clench when stroked, and wobble gently in their default state of relaxation.

Inventor Nobuhiro Takahashi hopes to apply the use of emotions to robot faces in the future to help with non-verbal communication.

In unrelated news: Japanese tech conventions just received an influx of middle aged visitors from Thailand...


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"Go on, ass me a question..."






Student Fakes Kidnapping to Avoid Coursework Deadline

When Susan Paola Fadel Correia's dissertation deadline began looming, she knew she had to take drastic action.

But instead of pulling a few all-nighters like most of her classmates, the Brazilian university student decided to fake her own kidnapping.

She alleged that she had been abducted by three men in the Para capital of Belem, had her wrists tied, and was held in captivity for 24 hours.

Correia then maintained that she had escaped from her abductors and borrowed a phone from a man in the street to call her mother.

The student later admitted she had been hiding at a friend's house the entire time and was afraid to admit to her mother that she hadn't completed her coursework in time because the same thing happened last year.

Undoubtedly her mother is much happier with the potential 6-month prison sentence Correia now faces for the false reporting of a crime.

Let's hope this woman is not studying neuroscience...


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"My dog ate my homework. And then he was kidnapped too..."

Electronic Cigarette Causes Terror Alert

A passenger trying to sneak a crafty cigarette break on a coach sparked a massive terror alert and caused a four-hour traffic jam in the UK this week.

The passenger, who was on a Megabus coach traveling between Preston and London, was puffing the fake cigarette into a plastic bag so that his fellow travelers couldn't see what he was doing.

However, a concerned member of the public saw water vapor escaping from the bag, mistook it for a terror threat, and called the police.

Armed police shut down the M6 toll road and set up a decontamination unit before swooping in on the coach to search all the passengers.

The incident caused a four-hour traffic delay before police admitted that the whole thing was a false alarm.

Since electronic cigarettes do not contain tobacco, smoking them in a public place is perfectly legal.

But just to be on the safe side, quitters embarking on a long coach journey should probably stick to nicotine patches...


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Caution: May cause terror alert

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Termites Eat Woman's Life Savings

Greedy investment bankers might take a chunk of your change, but they probably won't purposefully eat through your entire life savings.

Unfortunately, as one Taiwanese woman discovered, termites most definitely will.

Although the woman's safe may have been burglar-proof and fire-proof, it was not pest-proof, and the pesky little critters munched their way through $50,000 in cash.

The woman, who had been saving the money for 8 years so she could study abroad, turned to Taiwan's Investigation Bureau for assistance after her bank refused to honor the notes.

Forensic experts only managed to piece together about a quarter of the notes from the woman's safe.

Guess she'll have to start bugging her parents for a loan...


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Doctors Remove Tumor Bigger than Patient

When Jesus Rodriguez was born a benign lump under his armpit, his parents weren't overly concerned.

But when the lump began taking over the entire right side of his body, doctors in his home country of Mexico had to perform a tricky operation to remove it.

The tumor, which stretched from the toddler's armpit to his hip, weighed a whopping 33lb - more than 26lb Jesus himself.

Doctors at La Raza hospital, where the operation took place, say the 10-hour procedure went well and the tot is expected to make a full recovery.


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This x-ray ain't big enough for the both of us...

Monday, June 25, 2012

World's Ugliest Dog Revealed

And the winner is...

Mugly, an 8-year-old Chinese Crested from the UK, who beat out 28 fellow ugly mutts to take the title of the world's ugliest dog.

The appropriately-named pooch was awarded $1,000 and a year's worth of dog treats to make up for the indignity he suffered at the annual contest in Northern California.

Oh sure, it's fine to enter Fido into an ugly dog contest, but the minute you try to make a little bit of money out of your aesthetically challenged 6th grade students on parents' evening...


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Beautiful rat you've got there, Bob

Anti-Semitic Elmo Cuffed in Central Park

Sesame Street characters traditionally teach children about love, tolerance, and how to make as much mess as possible while eating cookies.

Unfortunately, there's no guarantee that people who rent a character costume based on the popular children's television series share the same family values.

As a result, instead of learning about the letter 'a' and the number 43, you might get to learn a string of racial epithets and ethnic slurs.

Anti-semitic Elmo - the name's still available to trademark, folks - was swiftly cuffed by New York's finest and escorted out of Central Park as he urged passersby to read The International Jew.

There is no word as yet about whether the pamphlet of anti-semitic musings will feature on next week's storytime with Bert and Ernie...



Friday, June 22, 2012

Football Fan Dies of Exhaustion after Watching Every Euro 2012 Match

A dedicated football fan has paid the ultimate price for his devotion to the game after attempting to watch every single Euro 2012 match.

Jiang Xiaoshan stayed awake for 11 nights straight so he could watch the games with his friends in China.

But his body was unable to handle the lack of sleep combined with the effects of alcohol and tobacco.

After returning to his Changsha home after the Ireland versus Italy match, Xiaoshan fell asleep and never woke up.

So there you have it - proof that it is possible to die of boredom. Er... I mean exhaustion.


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"And the guy in the green gets the ball away from the guy in the blue..."

Man Crushed by Giant Cactus

An Arizona man is in intensive care after being crushed by a 16-foot cactus.

City worker William Mason, 40, was responding to an emergency water leak in a Yuma subdivision on Tuesday, when the giant saguaro fell on him and pinned him to the ground.

Members of Mason's work crew managed to free the unfortunate man, who suffered multiple injuries during the incident, including a broken back, broken leg, internal injuries, and a fever.

Doctors at Yuma Regional Medical Center also had to remove 146 cactus spines from his body.

Mason was undergoing surgery on Thursday night and remains in a serious condition.

There is no word as yet on the status of the cactus, although it is thought to be the aggressor in the incident. Witnesses said it was behaving like a giant prick...


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"I am the almighty saguaro and you shall bow down before me or pay the penalty..."

Dogs Smash Surfing Record

Ever wondered how many dogs you can fit on a surfboard?

Nope, me neither. But for future reference, the answer is 17.

The new world record was set at the Loews Coronado Bay Resort Surf Dog Competition in San Diego last weekend.

The charity event featured around 50 surfing pups of all shapes and sizes, some of whom looked like they were enjoying themselves more than others.

More proof that some pet owners are barking mad...

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"Now look like you're enjoying it!"

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Chinese Parenting Fail of the Week

And the winner of this week's parenting fail goes to......


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"You still back there son?"

Death Row Inmate Orders 29,000-Calorie Last Meal

When Mississippi State Penitentiary officials asked death row inmate Gary Carl Simmons what he wanted for his last supper, he saw no reason to skimp on portion size.

The condemned murderer, a 49-year-old grocery store butcher who was found guilty of shooting a man in 1996 and then using his meat carving knives to dismember the body, ordered a feast containing nearly 30,000 calories.

The meal would easily have fed a dozen people, although officials have not commented on whether the gluttonous inmate managed to consume it all.

In case anyone is interested in following the Simmons diet, the full order was as follows:

 
One Pizza Hut medium Super Supreme Deep Dish pizza, double portion, with mushrooms, onions, jalapeno peppers, and pepperoni; pizza, regular portion, with three cheeses, olives, bell pepper, tomato, garlic and Italian sausage; 10 8-oz. packs of Parmesan cheese; 10 8-oz. packs of ranch dressing; one family size back of Doritos nacho cheese flavor; 8 oz. jalapeno nacho cheese; 4 oz. sliced jalapenos; 2 large strawberry shakes; two 20-oz. cherry Cokes; one super-size order of McDonald's fries with extra ketchup and mayonnaise; and two pints of strawberry ice cream. 

In fairness, Simmons probably doesn't need to watch his waistline where he's going...


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"Oh, and a diet Coke..."

Monday, June 18, 2012

Chinese Farmer Takes 5,000 Ducks on Walk to Pond

Want to see something completely quackers? Here's a Chinese farmer escorting 5,000 ducks to the local pond.

The outing, which brought the streets of the eastern city of Taizhou to a complete standstill, is part of an annual tradition in Zhejiang province.

Bet the birds found it a real tweet...




Now that's poultry in motion...



Adidas Unveils 'Slave' Sneakers

In a stroke of marketing genius, sportswear giant Adidas has unveiled its latest style of footwear... slave sneakers.

Yep, the company's newest brand of trainer features stylish plastic orange shackles that the wearer can strap around his or her ankles...just like their ancestors did 200 years ago.

The shackles, which have no obvious function except for looking completely and utterly ridiculous, have caused outrage on Adidas' Facebook page, where the design was unveiled.

Either Adidas is trying to outdo Nike's outrageous 'Black and Tan' St. Patrick's Day trainers, or there's a hacker out there with a severely warped sense of humor...

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Are you sure these will make me run faster?