Thursday, August 30, 2012

Tourist Unwittingly Joins Search Party for Herself

When a tourist in Iceland heard that a member of her bus party had gone missing, she helpfully joined the search party.

The night-long operation, involving 50 people in the Eldgja volcanic region in south Iceland, was proving to be unsuccessful when the woman suddenly had a revelation...

She was searching for herself.

The woman had hopped off the bus to change her clothes on Saturday evening, and when she climbed back on again, her fellow travelers didn't recognize her.

When they raised the alert that an Asian woman of around 160cm who was wearing dark clothing and spoke English had gone missing, the woman failed to recognize her description and unwittingly joined the search party.

Eventually realizing what had happened, the woman informed police about the mix-up and the search was called off in the early hours of Sunday morning.


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I know I'm around here somewhere...

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Schoolboy Finds Rare Whale Vomit Worth $60,000

A schoolboy has found a chunk of whale vomit that could be worth up to $60,000.

Charlie Naysmith, 8, found the delightful souvenir while walking along a beach near Bournemouth, UK.

Whale sick, known as ambergris, is traditionally used by perfume makers to prolong the scent of perfume.

Its rarity means that it can fetch prices of up to $10,000 a pound.

Before you all start pouring your Chanel No. 5 down the toilet, you'll be pleased to learn that the substance is usually avoided by manufacturers because of its negative association with the whaling industry.

Guess the cosmetic industry finally developed a gill-ty conscience.

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Whale, whale, whale, look what we have here...

Man Posts Self; Narrowly Avoids Suffocation

A man who attempted to surprise his girlfriend by posting himself in a giant cardboard box narrowly avoided suffocation after a delivery company error.

Hu Seng, from Chongqing city in southern China, decided to woo girlfriend Li Wang by posting himself to her office.

He asked a friend to tape him inside the box and paid an unsuspecting courier firm to transport it to Wang's office, where another friend was waiting to film the surprise.

Unfortunately, Seng's grand romantic gesture nearly ended in disaster when the delivery company mixed up the address and delayed the package.

Instead of spending 30 minutes in the sealed box, Seng, who had failed to make an airhole in the container's thick material, was trapped for three hours.

By the time his girlfriend received the package, the luckless Lothario had passed out from lack of oxygen and had to be revived by paramedics.

Nothing says 'I love you' like sending a loved one your cold, dead corpse.

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Surprise! It's my rotting corpse!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bigfoot Run Over by 15-Year-Old Girl

A man who dressed as Bigfoot to fool passing motorists got the ultimate comeuppance last weekend when two teenage girls ran him over.

Randy Lee Tenley apparently thought it would be a good idea to stand in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 in northwestern Montana dressed in a Ghillie suit.

Tenley, a 44-year-old Kalispell resident and presumed virgin, hoped that passing motorists would be fooled into calling in a Sasquatch sighting.

Instead, he was mown down by two teenage drivers, suffered massive trauma, and died at the scene.

The teenage girls are reportedly planning a follow-up road trip next weekend to the North Pole...  

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Randy's mother just didn't understand why her son was still single...

Photo Credit: Melvin G. Tarpley

Thief Steals Phone from Ebola Victim; Catches Virus

In a rare case of karmic justice, a phone thief has gotten exactly what he deserves.

Alright, maybe no one actually deserves to catch a disease that causes severe diarrhea, vomiting, and bleeding from every orifice, but if ever there was a prime candidate it's the cowardly scumbag who steals a phone from a hospital patient.

This particular scumbag, a 40-year-old Ugandan man, took the phone from the isolation ward of a hospital where its owner was being kept in quarantine.

The fact that the hospital workers were all wearing big white biohazard suits should have been this guy's first clue, but apparently they weren't enough to dissuade him from stealing a $23 phone during an Ebola outbreak.

Fast-forward two weeks and our cerebrally-challenged crook is now back in the same hospital from which he stole the phone, being treated for symptoms of the deadly virus.

Sometimes karma's a bitch.

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"You washed your hands today, right?"

Spanish Pensioner Botches Ancient Artwork

A bumbling Spanish pensioner has caused a furor in her local parish by attempting to restore a prized piece of artwork.

Cecilia Gimenez, who is in her 80s, took a brush to a fresco of Jesus Christ that has held pride of place in the Sanctuary of Mercy Church near Zaragoza for more than 100 years.

The amateur painter was reportedly upset at the way the fresco had deteriorated over the years, and took it on herself to "restore" the image.

Unfortunately, Gimenez' efforts were... less than successful.

"Excellent job, Maud.  Now we have a few Picassos over here that could use a bit of touching up..."

As BBC Europe commentator Christian Fraser notes, the once-dignified portrait by Elias Garcia Martinez now resembles 'a crayon sketch of a very hairy monkey in an ill-fitting tunic'.

At some point, Gimenez realized she was out of her depth and contacted a local city councillor for advice.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

Ironically, the local art preservation society had just received a donation from the painter's granddaughter, which they had planned to use to restore the original fresco.

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Friday, August 24, 2012

Student Proves People are Celebrity-Obsessed Morons

A New York student managed to cause a 300-person pileup in the Big Apple by posing as a celebrity in the middle of Times Square.

Brian Cohen, a 21-year-old student with no previous experience in the entertainment business, hired a team of photographers and bodyguards for the day and walked through the city to see what would happen.

Depressingly, hundreds of people flocked to have their photo taken with him, even though none of them had the slightest idea who he was.

Some even claimed to be familiar with his work, declaring that he had a 'great future in the movie business.'

The three-hour experiment, conducted to expose the public's fascination with celebrity, confirmed what most of us have suspected for many years:

People are morons.

Man with World's Lowest Voice Only Heard by Elephants

Think Morgan Freeman has a deep voice? Meet Tim Storms, whose lowest note is so deep that only elephants can hear it.

Storms, a U.S. singer with a vocal range of an incredible ten octaves, is able to reach notes as low as G-7 (8 octaves below the lowest G on a piano).

The notes are so deep that he can't even hear them while he's singing, relying instead on being able to feel the frequencies.

The secret to Storms' remarkable abilities are his unusually long vocal chords, which doctors say are about twice the length of a normal human beings' vocal folds.

He currently holds the world record for the lowest note produced by a human, as well as the record for the widest vocal range.

Storms is now in hot demand from Hollywood voice over producers, who eagerly track him down to use his husky inflection on film trailers.

Probably beats hanging out at the zoo having a one-way conversation with the elephants...

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"I'm sorry, could you trumpet that a little louder?"

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Woman Found Sleep-Swimming in River

An Idaho woman has been found sitting next to a river in her pajamas in the middle of the night in an apparent case of 'sleep-swimming'.

The 31-year-old woman, who has a history of sleepwalking, was found on the bank of the Snake River near her home in Burley, Idaho.

She was suffering from hypothermia and had to be taken to a local medical center for treatment.

The woman's husband sounded the alarm in the early hours of Tuesday morning after he discovered his wife missing and a sliding glass door in their house left open.

Police and neighbors began combing the area and discovered the woman about a quarter of a mile downstream from her home.

Reports indicate that this was the third incident in five weeks involving the woman, who is now being referred to a mental health specialist.

Mental health specialist? She should be given a top-ranking government position, the woman is clearly a multitasking genius...

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"I can't think of a single disadvantage to this sleep-swimming malarkey"

Man Bites Snake to Death in Revenge Attack

When Mohamed Salmo Miya was bitten by a cobra, he wasn't about to take the assault lying down.

The 55-year-old Nepali farm worker was so incensed by the unprovoked attack that he chased the reptile through his rice paddy.

When he caught up with the creature, he decided that merely beating it with a stick was too easy. Instead, he put the writhing beast in his mouth and... bit it to death.

Miya, who lives in a village approximately 200km south of the Nepali capital of Kathmandu, admits that he could have chosen a simpler execution method, but he was just too darn angry.

Chuck Norris, eat your heart out.

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"Erm... can't we discuss this calmly?"

Sleeping Beauty Art Exhibit Forces Participants to Marry Visitors

Disheartened by the disproportionate number of creeps you've been meeting on dating websites? Take a trip to the Ukraine!

No, we're not proposing a mail-order bride or an Eastern European sugar daddy this time. The Ukrainians have a much better idea.

Take a bunch of attractive young women to an art exhibit, have them pose like Sleeping Beauty, and then encourage numerous desperate perverts to come and stare at them while they slumber.

Kissing the defenseless actresses on the lips is actively encouraged.

Oh, and by the way, if they open their eyes when you kiss them, they have to marry you. No seriously, it's in the contract.

The bizarre exhibit is part of a three-week long art project at the National Art Museum of Ukraine.

Visitors, who must be single and over the age of 18, all have to sign a contract upon entry declaring that if they kiss a beauty on the lips and she opens her eyes, they will marry her.

Organizer Taras Polataiko hopes the exhibit will produce a genuine love connection between participants and visitors.

Guess it's got about as much chance as a drunken grope in a nightclub toilet...

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Kangaroo Escapes Animal Park with Help from Fox and Wild Boar

German officials are searching for a sneaky kangaroo who bounded out of an animal park with a little help from a fox and a wild boar.

Three kangaroos initially hopped through a hole in the fence of their enclosure made by a helpful fox.

Skippy, Jack, and Mick then headed toward the Frankfurt park's exterior barriers.

One of them lost interest in the great escape and was recaptured within the park's grounds, but the other two scrabbled to freedom through a hole dug by a wild boar.

Vets eventually caught one of the escapees after a long chase, but the third kangaroo is proving harder to track down.

Several sightings of the mischievous marsupial have been reported, but he is unlikely to return to the park out of hunger because the area has plenty of grass for him to forage.

Zoo officials are reported to be hopping mad...

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Strewth mate, now all I need is a lift across the river from a friendly crocodile...

Bulldog Gets 500 Spikes in Face after Run In with Porcupine

Bella Mae the bulldog learned not to mess with porcupines the hard way after an unfortunate run in with a prickly rodent left her with 500 quills in her face.

Veterinarians in Norman, Oklahoma, had to perform emergency surgery to remove the spines from the three-year-old pup, who is now recovering from the unexpected attack.

Owners Jerry and Allison Noles believe that the critter was visiting their pond for a drink when Bella Mae got a little too close for comfort.

Hopefully the quill-fated mutt has learned a valuable lesson.

 "Hi, my name's Spike"

New York Launches Mobile Paternity Van

Imagine the scene: You're dragging your offspring to the welfare office when you notice the little bugger is considerably taller than all the other children.

No one in your family is tall and your common-law wife can barely reach the top shelf in the fridge when she's fetching you a beer.

What if... but when would she have... wait, what if I'm spending my cigarette money on Pampers when I could be living it up in Atlantic City?

Never fear - mobile DNA testing is here! Yep, if you live in New York, you can simply drag your screaming brat into Manhattan's portable DNA testing truck for immediate peace of mind.

Aptly named 'Who's Your Daddy?', the truck provides results on-site or via mail at a cost of between $299 and $575.

Owner and driver Jared Rosenthal, who has presumably seen enough drama to script an entire season of Maury, cruises around the city providing suspicious fathers with his services.

Mr. Rosenthal, who says he is often flagged down like a taxi, has dealt with numerous situations, including a father who got his daughter's name tattooed on his chest only to later find out that she was not in fact his.

Hopefully he took the tattoo removal costs out of his ex-wife's alimony package...

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In case of a paternity emergency, dial this number...