Monday, April 30, 2012

Dentist Pulls out Ex-Boyfriend's Teeth

Having a professional dentist in your close circle of friends can come in handy on many occasions.

But when the dentist in question is an ex-girlfriend who you recently dumped for another woman, you're probably better off thumbing through the Yellow Pages.

Sadly, Polish lothario Marek Olszewski decided to take his chances, and put himself at the mercy of ex-girlfriend Anna Mackowiak.

Unable to contain her rage, 34-year-old Mackowiak used the opportunity to sedate Olszewski and yank out every last one of his teeth.

The 45-year-old woke up to find his head and jaw heavily bandaged to prevent him from opening his mouth.

Mackowiak told him there had been complications and he would need to see a specialist, but when he arrived home, Olszewski discovered the horrifying truth.

Ironically, his new girlfriend has since dumped him for being toothless.

Moral: Beware a scorned woman wielding a pair of dental pliers. 

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Teenage Girls Sunbathe on Road; Inevitable Happens

A while ago, my sister asked me whether I was concerned about morons outbreeding the rest of us.

I told her no. I believe that a large percentage of morons manage to eliminate themselves from the gene pool long before they have the opportunity to breed.

Unfortunately, sometimes they get lucky. Today was one such occasion for Pennsylvania teens Samantha Schermanhorn and Kaylie George.

Schermanhorn and George, both 13, decided that it would be a good idea to sunbathe in the middle of the road.

Granted, it wasn't the fast lane on I-95 during rush hour, but still... it was a road.

Dozing off, the teens were rudely awoken some time later by a passing car, which ran them both over.

They were airlifted to the Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh, where they are reported to be in fair condition.

Fret ye not, dear readers. I have absolute faith that these two muppets will be receiving Darwin Awards well before they have a chance to sign on for unemployment...

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"No dear, posthumous does not refer to an after-snack activity"

Man Sues BMW after Motorbike gives him Two-Year Erection

A California man is suing BMW after a four-hour ride on his motorbike gave him a permanent erection.

Henry Wolf alleges that the ridge-like seat he added to the bike caused him to develop a severe case of priapism during a trip through San Francisco in 2010.

The condition left him unable to engage in sexual activity, along with a number of related medical problems.

Wolf is now seeking compensation from BMW and the manufacturers of the ridge seat for medical expenses, lost wages, and emotional distress.

Sounds like this guy really got shafted.

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"Is that a Corbin-Pacific ridge seat or are you just pleased to see me?"

Drunk Grandparents Tow Granddaughter in Toy Car Behind SUV

You probably won't see Paul and Belinda Berloni listed on any childminding awards this year.

Why? Because this dopey couple thought it would be a good idea to attach their 7-year-old granddaughter's plastic toy car to the back of their SUV and give her a ride.

Securely fastening the Hot Wheels car to a trailer hitch with a couple of dog leashes, the pair towed the girl behind them at speeds of up to 10 miles per hour.

Although they didn't think to provide their granddaughter with a helmet, the Berlonis did ensure that she was wearing a bathing suit. Presumably so that if the entire contraption plunged into a lake, she'd be able to push 4,000lb of metal off her and swim merrily to the surface.

Did I mention that the Berlonis had been drinking?

The hapless pair were arrested in Sarasota, Florida, and charged with several counts of child endangerment, driving under the influence, and driving with a suspended license.

The driver of the Hot Wheels car was given a brake.

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I can't see anything wrong with this plan. Nope, nothing at all.

German Nymphomaniac Strikes Again

A German woman who was arrested after forcing a man to take part in multiple sex sessions has been at it again.

The 47-year-old woman, from Munich, Germany, has now been taken to a psychiatric hospital after a second victim was found weeping in the street outside her apartment.

The African man claimed he had suffered a 36-hour ordeal in which the woman repeatedly demanded sex and left him unable to walk properly.

He finally escaped from the sex-crazed woman's clutches when she fell asleep.

The incident is the second time the woman has been accused of forcing herself on strangers.

Her first victim, a 43-year-old man named Dieter Schulz, willingly returned to her apartment after they met in a bar.

However, after the woman repeatedly demanded sexual intercourse and refused to let him leave until he complied, the exhausted man called police from the balcony.

Either the woman is a sex-crazed lunatic, or we may have just discovered the reason for Germany's dramatic population decline...

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"Where are you going? We haven't even opened the vegetable drawer yet..."

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Man Plugs Wound with Kebab Sandwich

When James Hobbs received a vicious stab wound to the neck, he knew he had to staunch the bleeding as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the only absorbent material within arm's reach was a doner kebab from the local takeaway.

Sacrificing his supper, 37-year-old Hobbs used the ke-bandage to stem the flow of blood until help arrived.

The father of one, from Bristol, UK, lost six-and-a-half pints of blood from the five-inch knife wound, which missed his windpipe and jugular vein by millimetres.

His assailant, 36-year-old Jamie Edney, was jailed for five years after being convicted for grievous bodily harm at Bristol Crown Court.

The near-fatal fight started after Hobbs accused Edney of having an affair with his girlfriend. Now that's just bad korma.

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"Got any ketchup?"

Woman Tries to Live on Sunshine Alone; Dies

Inspired by a documentary about an Indian guru, one middle-aged Swiss woman decided to embark on a spiritual diet.

Believing that she would be able to receive all the necessary nutrients from sunshine alone, the woman stopped eating. And drinking.

She even went as far as to expel the saliva from her mouth.

I know what you're all thinking... this story has a totally happy ending in which the woman lives in peace and harmony, skipping through rainbows, rescuing puppies, and convincing hardened criminals to retrain as elementary school teachers.

Nope, she died.

Guess it must have been cloudy that week...

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"I just need a little bit more sunshine"

Egypt Plans Law Enabling Husbands to Have Sex with Wives after Death

Those crazy Egyptians. When they're not wrapping their dead in strips of toilet paper and entombing them in giant pyramids, they're legalizing necrophilia.

Thanks to a controversial new law, husbands may soon legally have sex with their wives for up to six hours after their death.

It is unclear who decided that six hours was the socially acceptable time period to make love to a corpse, but Islamic lawmakers have undoubtedly undertaken plenty of research into the matter.

The 'farewell intercourse' bill, which is currently in draft form, also includes provisions to lower the minimum age of marriage to 14, and strip women of their rights to education and employment.

To summarize: Egyptian males will soon be allowed to copulate with the bodies of their dead 14-year-old brides, whose uneducated countrywomen will be none the wiser as to why this might be a bad idea.

Well played Egypt. Well played.

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"Not tonight darling, I have rigor mortis"

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Pagans Start Fire in Flat to get rid of 'Negative Vibes'

When Terence Williams and Aftab Mughai experienced negative vibes in the air, there was only one logical thing to do.

Removing all their clothes, they set fire to pieces of newspaper and began burning away the bad atmosphere in Williams' apartment.

Unfortunately, negative vibes were not the only thing the Wiccans managed to burn.

As smoke came pouring out of the building in Nottingham, UK, concerned neighbors called in fire fighters, who arrived to find Williams and Mughai stark naked amidst the billowing flames.

Determined to complete their ritual, the men had to be forcibly removed from the apartment as three separate fires raged inside. They later pled guilty to charges of arson.

Hopefully, next time they'll stick to meditating on their yoga mats. Goddamn hippies.

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Village of Dull Twins with Town Called Boring

As one might expect, life in Dull, Scotland, can be fairly uneventful.

To liven things up, residents decided to link up with a new sister town in America... called Boring.

Following talks between Dull and Weem Parish Council and Boring Community Planning Organization, the two settlements will now be formally linked.

The match leaves endless possibilities for the new village road signs, which will likely read something along the lines of "Welcome to Dull, a Sister Community of Boring."

Tourists will hardly be able to contain their excitement.

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Monday, April 23, 2012

Man Dresses up as Dead Mother to Claim Social Security Benefits

When 73-year-old Irene Prusik died in 2003, her son was naturally devastated.

Not because he had lost his mother, but because he would lose out on all the financial aid she was receiving.

Unwilling to forgo Prusik's $700-a-month Social Security checks, Thomas Prusik-Parkin concocted an elaborate scheme in which he continued to collect his mother's benefits by donning a wig and a cane and cashing in her payments.

Prusik-Parkin successfully pulled off the scam for six years, netting $115,000 in benefits in addition to his own disability checks.

After having the audacity to complain about being ripped off by the person who bought his mother's apartment in a foreclosure auction, the fraudster was caught in 2009.

Prusik-Parkin, an admitted Norman Bates fan, now faces 25 years in prison for grand larceny.

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"Is that your cane, or are you just pleased to see me?"

Ducklings Pay Daily Visit to Deli

They might not be the best paying customers, but a mother duck and her brood are certainly the most loyal.

Dizzy the duck and her family of 12 adorable offspring wake up at the quack of dawn to pay a daily visit to the Hairy Fig deli in York, UK.

Every morning, they wait patiently for the deli to open and are rewarded with a tasty snack when staff arrive to set up shop.

Deli owner Sue Hardie has even trained Dizzy to wait outside for her breakfast, rather than waddling up to the counter.

Presumably, Dizzy has been asking deli staff to put all charges on her bill...

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"You kids have some fowl table manners"

Woman's Torso Shipped to Wholesalers

Employees at a wholesale shopping club got a nasty surprise when they received a woman's torso in the mail.

The torso, which was supposed to be delivered to a research facility in Florida, was instead sent to BJ's Wholesale Club offices in Massachusetts.

Fortunately, the error was spotted before the torso made it to the meat counter.

What a terrible missed steak.

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"I think I'll take the torso"

Friday, April 20, 2012

Woman's Coca Cola Habit Leads to Death

A woman's addiction to Coca Cola has been cited by pathologists as a contributing factor in her death.

Natasha Harris, a 30-year-old mother of eight from New Zealand, drank more than two gallons of soda a day before dying of a heart attack in 2010.

Pathologists testified that Harris likely suffered from low potassium levels as a result of her excessive Coke consumption, and had toxic levels of caffeine in her blood.

In fairness to the manufacturers of Coca Cola, other possible contributing factors in Harris' demise include a 30-a-day smoking habit, piss poor diet, and, presumably, the stress of dealing with eight screaming children.

The only real surprise here is that she managed to drink the Coke without a hefty slug of vodka to wash it down.

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The neighbors never guessed she had a serious Coke habit

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Investment Banker Dating Spreadsheet Goes Viral

Keeping track of multiple love interests can be hard in today's modern age of Internet dating.

So what better way to keep track of all your potential mates than by creating a spreadsheet, enabling you to rate them all on appearance, personality, and irritating habits?

That's exactly what 28-year-old investment banker David Merkur figured, and for a while things were going well... until he made the mistake of forwarding the spreadsheet to one of the women he was dating.

Given that some of the comments he included on the spreadsheet were less than flattering - Merkur describes one woman as "very jappy" - the spreadsheet unsurprisingly went viral.

Merkur, who is presumably banned from, has suddenly found himself with a lot more free time on his hands.

He should probably use it to take a few anti-retard classes.

With brains like this running the banks, we may as well start stashing our money under the mattress again...

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

6-Year-Old's Lemonade Stand Raises $10,000 for Dad's Cancer Treatment

In today's heartwarmer, a 6-year-old boy from Texas sets up a lemonade stand to help pay for his dad's cancer treatment and raises more than $10,000.

Get your tissues ready...

Austrian Village 'F*&$ing' to Change Name

Residents of a tiny European village are contemplating changing the name of their hamlet after years of ridicule and unwanted attention.

The residents of Fucking, a 104-person village in northern Austria, are due to vote on the spelling of the name this week.

The village, which was named after a 6th-century Bavarian nobleman named Focko, has been subject to much mockery since it was discovered by US servicemen stationed in Austria at the end of World War II.

Over the years, villagers have had to cope with a variety of name-related incidents, ranging from the theft of 13 expensive road signs to semi-naked women posing for photographs.

Fellow villagers in Windpassing and Rottenegg have so far refused to cave to giggling tourists, despite numerous unpleasant incidents in local shops and restaurants.

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Come here for a good time!

Panty Bandit Caught Red-Handed

Some people will go to any lengths to pursue their favorite hobby and New Jersey resident Jeffrey Lloyd is no exception.

Driving up to 50 miles across several states, Lloyd spent months training for his pastime of choice...stealing women's underwear.

Dubbed the 'panty bandit,' Lloyd broke into the laundry rooms of numerous apartment buildings to raid dryers for knickers and bras.

He was eventually caught with 11 pairs of underwear stuffed down the front of his pants.

Let's hope that in this case, the stolen property is not being returned to its original owners...

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"Errrr.... they must have shrunk in the wash"

Passenger Strips Naked in TSA Protest

Fed up with constant harassment from TSA agents at the airport, passenger John Brennan decided that this time he was going to make their lives a little bit easier.

Stripping completely naked, the 50-year-old Oregon resident stepped up to the security checkpoint, asking "Am I ready now?"

Despite proving beyond any reasonable doubt that he was smuggling nothing more dangerous than a couple of love handles, Brennan was arrested and charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct.

There's just no pleasing some people.

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"You appear to be smuggling a small package, Sir"

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Five-Year-Old Brings Heroin to School for Show and Tell

Teacher: "Does anyone have anything for show and tell today?

Little Johnny: "I do, Miss!"

Teacher: "What have you got there, Little Johnny?"

Little Johnny: "Fifty packets of top grade smack. Who wants to trade their Cheetos?"

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"Has anyone seen my kid? He's about 3ft tall, dark hair... oh yeah, and he's carrying 50 packets of heroin..."

Distracted Texter Walks into Bear

I'll just finish sending this text message, then I'll pop to the store for some milk.

WHAT THE F*&%#!!!

Friday, April 6, 2012

Failed Asylum Seeker Attempts to Claim £750 Million Compensation for Sex Ban

A failed asylum seeker is attempting to claim £750 million compensation from the UK government because he is not allowed to have sex with his girlfriend in prison.

Rayden Simon Kullem, who is due to be deported from the UK back to his native Zimbabwe at the end of his prison sentence, claims his human rights are being breached by the ban.

In a rare demonstration of common sense, the judge threw out his civil court claim; a decision that Kullem is planning to appeal.

Kullem has twice failed in his application to become a British citizen.

I can't imagine why - it sounds as though he'd fit right in with the useless dregs of UK society who believe that the government owes them a living.

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Stair-Climbing Champion Caught Using Elevator

When stair-climbing champion Miguel Larios reached the top of the AOL Center in downtown Los Angeles, he barely seemed out of breath.

Organizers of the charity event were also astounded that the 31-year-old maintenance man had completed the 62-storey course in a record-breaking seven minutes and 45 seconds.

However, when they realized that Larios' record-breaking feat was almost impossible to achieve, they checked out the building's CCTV footage - and found that instead of taking the stairs, the former champion had sneaked into an elevator and gotten a lift.

Unfortunately for Larios, stair-climbing infractions are taken very seriously in Los Angeles. Not only did the lazy janitor lose his crown, he also lost his job.

Not so much a stair master as a stair disaster.

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"I don't know what all the fuss is about, this stair-climbing challenge is easy"

Prisoner's Escape Attempt is a Real Drag

Brazilian prisoner Ronaldo Silva had the perfect escape plan.

Donning his wife's clothes during her weekly visit and adding a wig for good measure, the drug trafficker confidently strode past the guards in the jail in Alagoas state, in north-eastern Brazil.

Unfortunately, Silva forgot to ask his wife one vital question: How does one walk in high heels? His oversight cost him his freedom after one guard (apparently the only one who wasn't legally blind) spotted him teetering around at a bus stop and hauled him back to jail.

The most worrying part of the story is that Silva managed to get past the first set of guards looking like this...

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"Does my penis look big in this?"

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Chinese Bowl Sells for $27 Million

A 900-year-old porcelain bowl has sold for $27 million.

The flower-shaped bowl, from a private Japanese collection, was purchased by an anonymous bidder at a Sotheby's auction in Hong Kong.

It now holds the record for the most expensive ceramic bowl from the Northern Song Dynasty (960-1127). There are believed to be only 79 complete pieces of pottery in existence from that era.

As my dad would say, "You could have bought a new one for that."

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Flying Car Finally Invented

Dutch inventors have created a flying car that travels at speeds of up to 110 mph.

We're officially living in the future!

Police Rescue Cuddly Toy From Car

When police officers received a call from a concerned member of the public about a distressed dog in the back seat of a parked car, they leapt into action.

Smashing the window of the Mercedes coupe to rescue the poor suffering beast from its plight, the officers, from Nottinghamshire, UK, reached into the vehicle to extract the pup.

Unfortunately for Britain's finest, the dog turned out to be a cheap cuddly toy called Little Willy.

Although Little Willy was undoubtedly grateful for the attention, owner Gordon Williams was not quite as impressed, and is asking police to repay him the cost of the window.

All in all, a ruff day for everyone concerned.

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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Cell Phone Thief Busted After 'Sexting' Victim

If there were a Darwin Award for stupidity resulting in jail rather than the afterlife, petty thief Marques Hoskins would surely be one of this year's contenders.

After breaking into a woman's Manhattan apartment and stealing her cell phone, the dopey burglar responded to a text from police telling them he would return the phone in exchange for $500 and a date with the victim.

Unbelievably, Hoskins showed up for the appointed rendezvous and was stunned when instead of a grateful young lady, he was met by an officer wielding a pair of handcuffs.

You can't fix stupid.

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Man Urinates on Female Co-Workers' Chairs

When office workers at the Iowa Farm Bureau noticed stains appearing on their chairs, they thought perhaps there was a leaky pipe somewhere.

Well, in a way there was...

IT consultant Raymond Foley had inexplicably decided to urinate all over the chairs of his female co-workers.

Foley was so dedicated to his bizarre fetish, he actually made the effort to come into work while no one was around and mark his territory.

The company eventually installed security cameras around the office and managed to catch him in the act. 

One can only hope that when the police arrested him they used the immortal line, "Now urine trouble."

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Foley was laid off due to his piss-poor performance.