Friday, March 30, 2012

86-Year-Old Gymnast Does Parallel Bars Routine

Until I watched this video, I was proud of my own 86-year-old grandmother for walking around the block twice a day. Now I can see she has some training to do...

Quaker Oats Puts Logo Man on a Diet

Quaker Oats has put the character it uses to advertise its cereal on a diet.

Larry the Quaker, who has featured on the brand's cereal boxes since the late 1800s, has been given a makeover to shave off a few extra pounds and remove his double chin.

The company is hoping that the new-look Larry will better reflect the brand's focus on healthy eating.

Rumors that the Food Network is going to perform similar magic on Paula Deen are as yet unconfirmed.

Click here for story

Site Prints Out Tweets on Toilet Roll

First there was Twitter. Now there's... Shitter?

That's right - you can now get all your favorite tweets printed out on a roll of toilet paper and read them in the bathroom at your leisure.

The site is charging $35 for four rolls of paper, and is advertising its product with the slogan "Social media has never been so disposable."

Site creators advise against ordering the Kardashian paper, since those tweets are already full of shit. 

Click here for story

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

World's Smallest Puppy Is Size of IPhone

Want to see something really really cute? Check out the world's smallest puppy.

Beyonce, a two-week-old Dachshund mix, weighed just one ounce when she was born, and is still only as big as an iPhone.

The runt of a litter of five, Beyonce is currently in the care of an animal rescue center in El Dorado Hills, California, which took in her abandoned, heavily pregnant mother.

Experts say she is likely to set a new world record for being the world's puniest pup, but will not receive the title until her application has been reviewed by the Guinness Book of Records.

In the meantime, get ready for cute overload...

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How do I dial this thing?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Plane's Captain Detained for Shouting Bomb Threats

An unruly JetBlue pilot was locked out the plane's cabin by his co-pilot after going beserk midway through a flight.

The New York to Vegas flight had to be diverted to Amarillo, Texas, where it made an emergency landing after the captain ran up and down the aisles, screaming "Iraq, Al-Qaeda, terrorism. We're going down."

A group of passengers had to restrain the captain, who is reported to be suffering from a 'medical situation.'

No shit.

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Sunday, March 25, 2012

Supermarket CCTV Captures Poltergeist

An Australian supermarket has a resident poltergeist with a sweet tooth.

CCTV footage from the grocery store, in Brompton, South Australia, shows packets of Fruit Roll-Ups being flung across the aisles in the middle of the night.

Store owner Norm Hurst told local media that the store's previous owners had warned him the supermarket was haunted, but he hadn't paid much attention until strange things began to happen when no one was around.

Hopefully the supernatural visitor will stay out of the ice scream aisle...

Chinese Couple Left on Dust Island after War with Property Developer

A Chinese couple who tried to stand up to a local property development company have been left living on a dust island surrounded by tower blocks.

Niu Chuangen and Zhang Zhongyun, who live in the Shandong Province of China, refused to sell their home to developers four years ago, claiming that the development company did not offer them the full value of the property.

Despite making life as uncomfortable as possible for the couple, the development company has been unable to persuade them to move.

They now live in complete isolation with no electricity or running water, face regular threats from gangsters, and have had to prevent several attempts to illegally demolish their ramshackle house.

On the plus side, they have their own island...

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"Look on the bright side, at least we don't need air conditioning anymore"

Friday, March 23, 2012

Man Shoots Nail into Head

Construction worker Jeff Luptak almost managed to earn this year's Darwin Award when he shot himself in the head with a nail gun.

The father of three, from Bismarck, North Dakota, accidentally stapled his baseball cap to his skull while reaching for a nail gun from another worker.

Fortunately for Mr. Luptak, a team of brain surgeons managed to remove a golf ball-size piece of skull, extract the nail, and put a titanium plate over the opening with 26 stitches to seal it.

Alas, they were unable to save the baseball cap.

Click here for story

"Not tonight darling, I've got a headache." 

Six-Year-Old Beats Fox News Reporter in Spelling Contest

One would think that stringing letters together to make words is a fairly basic requisite for a reporter on national television.

But apparently Fox news reporter Paul Raphel skipped that section of the network's application.

Not only did Raphel fail miserably at a primary-school level spelling bee challenge... he was beaten by a six-year-old girl.

Primary school pupil Lori Anne Madison, who spelled her way into the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee last month and is believed to be its youngest competitor, trounced Fox 5 reporter Raphel during an on-air contest.

Raphel failed to complete the second round of the mini contest, unable to spell either 'tourniquet' nor 'lozenge' correctly, while Madison successfully spelled out 'okapi,' 'metacarpal,' and - most poignantly - 'embarrassing.'

Rumors that Madison will be replacing Raphel as the new Washington DC Fox News anchor are as yet unsubstantiated.

Click here for story

Can you spell "moron"?

How to Make Ants Commit Suicide

Got an ant infestation and don't have a pot of boiling water handy?

No problem - with a little bit of maneuvering you can simply trick the pesky little blighters into committing mass suicide.

The quirk of nature, known as an 'ant mill,' only occurs with ants that are blind and rely on scent for navigation.

If ants lose the pheromone trail they are following, they become disoriented, and begin following the ant immediately in front of them. The result is a huge spiral ant formation in which the unfortunate creatures march around in circles until they literally drop dead from exhaustion.

The phenomenon can be induced by forcing the ants into an enclosed space, such as a plant pot.

The largest ant mill ever discovered measured a whopping 1,200 feet in diameter. Each ant took two and a half hours to complete a circuit, and had absolutely no idea that they were going around in circles.

On second thoughts, maybe it's kinder to fetch that pan of boiling water...

Click here for story

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

10-Year-Old Girl Breaks World Weightlifting Record

Ten-year-old Naomi Kutin doesn't need to worry about playground bullies.

She can literally pick them up and throw them to the ground. Even the really fat ones.

The 4ft 8 in tall primary school pupil, from New Jersey, USA, is able to hoist more than two times her own body weight.

She has just beaten a world weightlifting record by squatting an incredible 215 pounds, despite weighing just 93 pounds herself.

Dubbed 'supergirl' by her fellow powerlifters, Naomi draws huge crowds to her competitive events and has attracted an impressive Internet following.

Potential lunch money thieves, you have been warned...

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"Come here and call me that again, I dare you."

Woman Discovers Feather in Chicken Nugget

When Raquel House stopped off at her local McDonald's for a quick snack, she expected the usual blend of fat, salt, and cholesterol.

But when the Indiana woman bit into her second chicken nugget, she got a little something extra - a white feather.

Experts at a local farm determined that the questionable ingredient was in fact a pin feather - a feather found on a developing bird.

Now that's just fowl.

Click here for story

Monday, March 19, 2012

Doctor Offers Free Pizza with Vasectomy

An enterprising doctor is offering male patients an unusual deal... free pizza with every vasectomy.

Evan Cohen, manager of Urology Associates of Cape Cod, says that most vasectomies are performed in March, when men like to recuperate from the procedure by watching the NCAA's college basketball tournament on television.

Capitalizing on the March Madness frenzy, the surgery is adding an extra incentive for patients to book the sterilizing procedure this month by throwing in a free pizza.

Offer the same deal to everyone who goes on the Jerry Springer show and we might have just found an answer to the world's overpopulation problem...

Click here for story

Photo: Rex

Woman Pledges to Keep Husband's Ashes in Tardis Urn

A science fiction mad couple is searching for a Dr Who-themed Tardis urn.

Kevin Pratt and Tashi King, from Tempe, Arizona, are hoping to track down someone who can fashion a custom-made urn for Mr. Pratt, a terminal cancer sufferer with only months left to live.

Mr. Pratt's final wish is to have some of his cremated remains kept in a Dr Who-themed urn.

His wife is trying her Tardis to find one.

Click here for story

Friday, March 16, 2012

Drinkers Evade Tab by Jumping off Building

You go out drinking with your friends and when it comes time to pay, you realize in horror that you've forgotten your wallet. Whatever should you do?

Probably best not to follow in the footsteps of four men in Melbourne, Australia, who decided to bail on their bar tab by flinging themselves off the balcony of the tallest building in the Southern Hemisphere.

The men, presumably professional base jumpers, leapt off the balcony of the 55-storey Rialto Towers, safely parachuted 800 ft to the ground, and made off in a getaway car.

All to save $100 between them. Cheapskates.

Click here for story

Artist Turns Sex into Art

Bored of the missionary position? Sign up for artist Alexander Esguerra's latest project and you'll soon be having the most colorful sex of your life. Literally.

The New York artist is encouraging amorous couples to cover themselves in paint and roll around on a canvas on a plastic-covered floor.

The resulting works of art, created by the couples' naked bodies, are being displayed by Esguerra at New York nightclub, The Box.

Esguerra's painting sessions, which involve low-lighting, candles, and even a heated canvas, are proving so popular that the artist has starting selling $2,500 'Love and Paint' packages at a luxury hotel.

Brings the walk of shame to a whole new level... 

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Thursday, March 15, 2012

Dead Man Sends Emails from Afterlife

When Jack Froese died of a heart arrhythmia at the age of 32, his friends and family were devastated.

But five months after his death, they began to receive posthumous emails from Froese's account, detailing private information that few people knew.

Mean hoax or a message from the afterlife? Watch this and decide for yourselves...

Entire Town for Sale

Fancy being mayor of a one-man town? If you have a spare $100,000 you might be able to do just that.

Don Sammons, the sole resident of Buford, Wyoming, is selling the unincorporated community, which spans ten acres and includes a 3-bedroom house, a trading post, and a United Wireless cell tower complete with lease.

'Mayor' Sammons, who has lived in the town for more than 30 years, moved to Buford with his family in 1980. Over the years, family members gradually drifted away from the area, eventually leaving Sammons as the only resident.

Buford, which is located between Cheyenne and Laramie, was one home to approximately 2,000 residents, before the Transcontinental Railroad was rerouted.

It will be auctioned off next month to the highest bidder, who will actually be able to use the quote, "This town ain't big enough for the both of us." Totally worth it.

Click here for story

Photo: AP/Michael Smith

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Woman Insulted by Radio Shack Receipt

When Shanae Lewis got into an argument with a salesman over a 5-cent bag tax, she asked for a refund and thought that would be the end of it.

But when Shanae, from Baltimore, Maryland, took a look at the receipt the Radio Shack salesman had given her, she got another shock

Typed at the bottom of the receipt were the words, "ugly itch, ghettohood, usa, tattoville, MD."

Here at Nutty News, we are equally shocked and appalled. The salesman's spelling is atrocious.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

'Yarnbomber' Attacks Town with Knitting Creations

A guerilla knitter has been causing a stir in a UK town by mysteriously dropping off their handiwork in the middle of the night.

Dubbed the "Saltburn Yarnbomber" by locals, the knitter has been leaving beautifully-crafted woolly displays around the small North Yorkshire town over the past six months but never come forward to claim credit for their work.

Knitting experts estimate that the latest offering - an Olympic-themed scarf adorned with detailed models of athletes - would have taken up to a year to complete and most of the night to attach to the pier it was displayed at.

Locals have already ruled out most of the close-knit community and say they have "no darned idea" who might be leaving the woolly creations.

Click here for story

Photo: North News and Pictures

Cats Beating Humans in iPad Game

We always suspected they were the dominant species and now we have proof - cats are thrashing humans in the world's first cross-species iPad game.

The virtual ice-hockey game, called You vs. Cat, was debuted by pet food manufacturer Friskies at the South by Southwest (SXSW) Festival in Austin, Texas this week.

It enables owners to pit themselves against their furry friends by fighting over a piece of animated cat food on the screen.

The owner has to get the cat food across the screen and into the goal box before the cat puts its paw on the food to prevent a goal.

Cats are currently beating humans by a whisker. Oh no, wait, they're annihilating us. The worldwide score stands at 2,091 to 1,250.

What a cat-astrophe.

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"A little to the left, that's it... purrrrrfect"

High School Coach Bites off Rival's Ear

When most sports teams lose a game, their coach politely shakes hands with the winners and vows to do better next time.

High school basketball coach Timothy Lee Forbes is apparently not accustomed to this procedure.

Instead of shaking hands with the rival team's coach, Forbes, 34, launched himself at the man and bit off part of his ear.

Forbes, from Springfield, Massachusetts, has since been arrested and charged with battery and assault and mayhem.

Students are said to be drumming up support for his release.

Click here for story

"Who's my idol? You know, I'd have to say Mike Tyson."

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Hawaii Adopts Official State Microbe

Apparently, the Hawaiian Goose and the hula dance no longer adequately represent the great Aloha State.

Hawaii has decided to expand its list of official state symbols by adopting.... a germ.

Last week, the House of Representatives passed a bill that will recognize a bacterium called Nesiotobacter exalbescens as Hawaii’s official microbe.

In a move that will likely have the other 49 states clamoring for their own microbes, Hawaii will become the first state in the union to officially adopt a germ.

The Hawaiian Goose is rumored to be slightly miffed by this week's legal developments.

But as everyone knows... the surly bird gets the germ. 

Click here for story

"What do you mean I'm being replaced by a microbe?"

Friday, March 9, 2012

Council Worker Injured Erecting Health and Safety Signs

A council worker in the UK is suing for compensation after injuring himself while erecting health and safety signs.

The Leicester City Council worker was putting up notices warning members of the public to be careful in the ice and snow when he...slipped in the ice and snow.

Leicester City Council has agreed to settle the case out of court and has ordered 150 pairs of slip-on shoes with studs for winter weather to prevent similar incidents in the future.

Alanis Morissette allegedly considered using this exact same scenario in her hit song "Ironic," but later dropped the lyrics "It's like erecting a health and safety sign and then falling over and injuring your back" because they were already copyrighted.

Click here for story

Photo: Alamy

Sunbathers Rescue 30 Dolphins

In this week's heartwarming story with a happy ending, sunbathers rescued 30 beached dolphins on the Rio de Janeiro coastline in Brazil.

The dolphins became stranded in shallow water, and when beach dwellers noticed they were in distress, they leapt into action.

Dragging the mammals into deeper water by their tails, the rescuers managed to save all 30 of them.

Hurray for happy endings!


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Grandmother Auditions for Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading Squad

Sharon Simmons might be a grandmother of two, but she's not the sort to sit by the fire and take up knitting.

Instead, the 55-year-old Texan is auditioning for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad.

In preparation to compete with women less than half her age, Simmons, who works in commercial real estate, is taking dance lessons twice a week and putting herself through a grueling workout regime.

Already a certified personal trainer and nutritionist, Simmons also regularly competes in fitness competitions.

Despite having an advantage over the vast majority of 55-year-olds who might fancy a spot on the cheerleading team, the go-getting granny faces an uphill battle making it through the May auditions.

The oldest woman ever to dance with the Cowboys was a sprightly 37, and the average age of an NFL cheerleader is 25.

Click here for story

Russia Enters Grannies in Eurovision Song Contest

Russia has its fair share of problems: corrupt politicians, severe population decline, deforestation, pollution, lack of liquor variety, etc. etc.... This year, it will have one more thing to worry about: winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

That's because the small percentage of Russians with access to a television and a phone decided to forgo the contestants who actually stood a chance of winning the contest. Instead, they nominated six old grannies from a remote Russian hamlet to represent their great nation.

You can assess the Buranovo Grannies' chances by listening to the clip of "Party for Everybody" below.

And before you folks in the UK start smirking, our entry this year will be performed by 75-year-old Engelbert Humperdinck.

Please release me indeed.

15st Man 'Mugged by Fox'

Seb Baker might weigh an impressive 15 stone, but he's no match against a hungry fox.

The wily creature followed Mr. Baker into an alleyway as he walked home from the supermarket, cornered him, and forced him to hand over his dinner.

Mr. Baker, who had just bought a bag of groceries from Tesco, tried to evade the hungry beast, but it persisted in circling him and snapping at his shopping bag.

Eventually, Mr. Baker, from Kent, UK, threw the fox a loaf of garlic bread from his bag and it ran off.

A spokesman for Tesco denied that the company was training foxes to harass shoppers as part of a bizarre viral marketing campaign.

Click here for story

Photo: Mark Boulton/Alamy

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

'Chupacabra' Washes up in San Diego

"Hey, Dave, did you feed the dog pickles again?"

Mohawk probably didn't stand much of a chance at this year's Crufts

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Penguin Escapes Tokyo Zoo

An escapee penguin is living the high life after doing a runner from a Tokyo zoo.

The 1-year-old Humboldt penguin made his big break from Tokyo Sea Life Park this weekend and was last seen speeding along the Kyu-Edo river.

Park officials have had no luck retrieving the jailbird because the breed is known for its impressive swimming speed.

Sayonara, suckers!

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"Ta ra then, I'm off!"

Robber Leaves Severed Finger at Crime Scene

A robber quite literally gave police the finger during a crime spree in New Mexico, after severing one of his digits while trying to rob a store.

The thief sliced off his fingertip during an altercation with a store clerk at the smoke shop in Albuquerque.

It was later found by police inside one of the shop's glass display cases.

Officers investigating the crime thanked the robber for the tip.

Click here for story

Parasite Eats Man's Face

"Hey, honey, where should we go on vacation this year?"

"How about South America? I hear Peru is lovely."

"Great idea! As long as we avoid hurricane season, we should be absolutely fine..."

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"Do I have something on my face?"

Man Takes Woman on Date While Friend Burgles House

Everyone has a bad date story.

But few can top an 18-year-old Florida woman's date from hell, which left her stuck with not only the restaurant bill, but also minus $5,000 worth of electronic equipment.

While the woman was having lunch with an Italian lothario she met at a party, the man's friend sneaked into her house and stole a big-screen television, an iPad, and a computer.

Meanwhile, the date, who identified himself as 
Florenciano Valentino, stole the woman's iPhone and left her with the Applebees bill.

And they say chivalry is dead.

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"You have a beautiful iPhone"

Monday, March 5, 2012

Flying Robots Play James Bond Theme Tune

Engineering students at Pennsylvania University have developed nanobots that are programmed to play the James Bond theme tune by buzzing up and down in unison over a selection of musical instruments.

The bots are fitted with wireless cameras and infrared lights that help their pilots plot their exact position.

Sure, it's cute for now. But when the nanobots are sitting in their hollowed-out volcanoes petting electronic cats and plotting world devastation, you can't say you weren't given any warning signs...

Couple Spends $15,000 on Plastic Surgery for Dog

Most people would consider spending thousands of dollars on canine plastic surgery a ridiculous extravagance.

But for Junior the bloodhound, the procedures were less about vanity than about the pup's quality of life.

The five-year-old pooch, from North Yorkshire, UK, suffers from a rare condition that causes excess skin to develop.

Having undergone a facelift in 2010 to remove folds under his eyes that were threatening his sight, Junior recently had a tummy tuck to deal with excess flaps around his belly.

Although the total bill came to more than $15,000, owners Denise and David Smart say that the surgeries have given Junior a new lease of life and were worth every penny.

What an uplifting story!

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Junior wasn't convinced by his new anti-wrinkle night cream 

Friday, March 2, 2012

'Alien' Parasite Eats Fish Tongue then Lives in Mouth

Imagine being infected by a parasite that eats your tongue and then proceeds to live in your mouth, growing daily as it feasts on your blood.

The gruesome scenario sounds like something out of a horror film, but it's actually happening to large numbers of bream all over the Mediterranean.

The highly successful 'cerathotoa italica' parasite, nicknamed 'Betty' by scientists, has infected nearly half of the fish in some areas and is upsetting the Mediterranean's eco-system.

Take a look at the picture and remember... things could always be worse.

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In the Mediterranean, no one can hear you scream

World's Oldest Couple Gets Hitched

With a combined age of 193, Lillian Hartley and Allan Marks aren't exactly spring chickens.

But the couple, who just got hitched at the ripe old ages of 95 and 98, are proof that love can blossom at any time of life.

The pair, who met in Palm Springs, California, and have been dating for 18 years, will officially be the world's oldest newlyweds once the Guinness Book of World Records confirms their ages.

You're probably expecting a bad pun or a sarcastic quote right now, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Old people getting married is adorable.

Click here for story

Mother Gives Birth to Third Leap Year Baby

A Utah woman has just equalled a world record by giving birth to her third consecutive leap year baby.

Louise Estes tied a record set in the 1960s when she welcomed baby Jade on Wednesday morning, exactly four years after the birth of son Remington and eight years after eldest son Xavier.

In a genius example of frugal family planning, the Estes will now only need to buy three birthday presents every four years, saving them an absolute fortune.

"We really couldn't have planned it any better," Mr. Estes reportedly said yesterday. "Not only will we save a ton of money on birthday presents and parties, we also won't need to worry about life after graduation for another 72 years. Bonus!"

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Xavier was none too happy about having to share the limelight with his new sister

Man Registers his Dog to Vote

The average IQ of voters in New Mexico increased by several points this week, after a man successfully registered his dog to vote.

Buddy the black lab received his registration card two weeks after owner Thomas Tolbert registered him at a booth on the University of New Mexico campus, using a fake social security number and made up date of birth.

Tolbert, who says he was trying to prove how easy it is to falsely register to vote, may now face criminal charges for his actions.

Meanwhile Buddy, a registered Democrat, will be campaigning for marriage equality, higher taxes for the 1%, and unlimited free dog food for all.

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Buddy was a registered Democrat, but he had several issues with the party's stance on immigration

Thursday, March 1, 2012

New Roller Coaster Rips Limbs off Crash Test Dummies

Everyone likes a good adrenalin rush.

But if you prefer your limbs attached to your body, you'd do well to steer clear of a London theme park's latest attraction, at least until its engineers can figure out how to stop dismembering riders.

Thorpe Park's new winged roller coaster, the Swarm, is so powerful that even British fighter pilots have described it as 'gut-wrenching.'

The coaster travels at 62mph, leaving riders' arms and legs dangling freely as it plummets through an inverted 127ft drop and comes perilously close to several brick walls.

Most worryingly, test runs of the new ride have seen crash test dummies return from the experience missing arms and legs.

Here's hoping park executives have good lawyers; in a dismemberment case they won't have a leg to stand on...

Click here for story

"Don't worry everyone, it's perfectly 'armless"

Man Dies After Drinking Gasoline and Lighting Cigarette

And this week's Darwin award goes to....

Gary Banning, 43, from North Carolina, who mistook a jar of gasoline for a cup of water, swigged it, and then went outside to light a cigarette.

RIP Mr. Banning. The world is a sadder, but slightly more intelligent place without you in it.

Click here for story

Gary went out with a bang

Deputies use Reporter's Face for Target Practice

When an investigative reporter uncovered instances of voter fraud involving the local Sheriff's office, deputies weren't going to take the accusations lying down.

Blowing up a picture of Fox 8 reporter Lee Zurik's face, they pinned it to a board on the firing range and used it for target practice.

Unfortunately for the trigger-happy Sheriff's department of St. Bernard, New Orleans, Fox 8 saw the picture and fired off a few opinions of their own.

Sheriff Jack Stephens has since apologized to Zurik, assuring him that the officers did not mean him any harm. Nonetheless, Zurik should probably stay well within the speed limit for the foreseeable future...

Click here for story

Lee had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't too popular in the Sheriff's office