No one in your family is tall and your common-law wife can barely reach the top shelf in the fridge when she's fetching you a beer.
What if... but when would she have... wait, what if I'm spending my cigarette money on Pampers when I could be living it up in Atlantic City?
Never fear - mobile DNA testing is here! Yep, if you live in New York, you can simply drag your screaming brat into Manhattan's portable DNA testing truck for immediate peace of mind.
Aptly named 'Who's Your Daddy?', the truck provides results on-site or via mail at a cost of between $299 and $575.
Owner and driver Jared Rosenthal, who has presumably seen enough drama to script an entire season of Maury, cruises around the city providing suspicious fathers with his services.
Mr. Rosenthal, who says he is often flagged down like a taxi, has dealt with numerous situations, including a father who got his daughter's name tattooed on his chest only to later find out that she was not in fact his.
Hopefully he took the tattoo removal costs out of his ex-wife's alimony package...
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In case of a paternity emergency, dial this number...