Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Husband Solicits Men to Rape Wife on Craigslist

This year's top contender for worst husband of the year goes to a chap in Idaho, who decided it would be a good idea to have his wife raped by strangers on Craigslist.

The 32-year-old Army serviceman, from Twin Cities, posted a casual encounters ad on the website that was supposedly written by his (presumably estranged) wife.

The ad claimed that she harbored a secret desire to be raped and encouraged men to enter her home and forcibly have sex with her 'no matter how much she resisted.'

Obviously delighted by the prospect of carrying out their twisted fantasies without consequence, several would-be rapists responded to the advert and were further encouraged to break into the victim's home.

The poor woman was targeted on two separate occasions, the first of which involved a violent struggle with an intruder who grabbed her gun and chased her around the house with it, randomly firing shots.

It was only after the second rape attempt two days later (which ended with the victim holding the intruder at gunpoint) that police were able to determine the reason for the woman's sudden run of really really bad luck.

Tracing the emails from the second attacker's cellphone, they discovered that the advert had been placed from her husband's workplace at the Army National Guard.

The couple were subsequently reunited, whereupon the woman passionately embraced her husband and thanked him for 'the best belated Valentine's Day surprise ever.'

Just kidding. He's currently in Twin Cities County Jail and his wife is presumably Googling divorce lawyers... 

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"She might sound like she's in fear for her life, but she's enjoying herself, honesty"

Dogs Scare off Grizzly Bear

Most dogs would run a mile if they saw a ferocious grizzly bear heading their way, but these two brave pups decided to stand their ground.

Barking ferociously at the unwanted visitor who had come to check their master's boat for food scraps, the labrador and akita stood guard on the dock until the bear left.

Neither the dogs nor the bear were harmed during the incident, which took place at a fishing camp on the shore of Kurile Lake, in Kamchatka, Russia.

All the same, those pups must be barking mad...

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"And don't come back!"

Unsanitary Burger King Employee Busted by Internet Vigilantes

When a Burger King employee posted pictures of himself tampering with customers' food on a social networking site, he didn't anticipate the level of outrage the photos would cause.

Nor did he predict the tenacity of his online audience - who managed to use the GPS data in the picture to pinpoint where the photo was taken.

Disgusted by the employee's actions, 4chan users tracked down the Burger King branch in Cleveland, Ohio, and reported the unsanitary photos to the manager.

The alleged perpetrator, a long-term employee of the Mayfield Heights branch of the fast food chain, will now be fired, along with the shift manager who was present at the time the pictures were taken.

Hopefully they gave him a good grilling...

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"You don't even want to know what I do with the cream of chicken soup"

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Modern Day Knight Attempts to Bring Back Chivalry in Canada

A 22-year-old Canadian man is on a quest to bring chivalry back to the modern world.

Vincent Gabriel Kirouac, from Quebec, is traveling across Canada on his trusty steed, "Couer de Lion" (Lionheart), dressed in full knight's regalia.

Along the way, the pair are performing valiant deeds, lending a hand on the farms and homesteads that they pass, and promoting chivalry and good manners.

Mr. Kirouac, who is currently six weeks into his journey, is surviving on donations to his website and the kindness and generosity of strangers he meets along the way.

He hopes to reinstate values that have been lost in the modern world, such as devotion, honesty, respect, and goodness.

Yeah, that sounds really hard in Canada.

If he really wants a challenge, he should trek through the Midwest. Day 1: Gallop through Chicago and teach the Black Gangster Disciples the virtues of chivalry, good manners, and respect.

Now that would be a quest worth sponsoring...

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His mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries

Man With World's Largest Penis Frisked for 'Suspicious Package'

The TSA is not exactly known for competence or tact.

So when the man with the world's biggest penis stepped through security at San Francisco International Airport, things were bound to get interesting.

As soon as officers saw the bulging package in Jonah Falcon's pants, he was stopped and frisked.

The 41-year-old New Yorker, who found fame after being featured on a 1999 HBO documentary, patiently explained that he smuggling nothing more dangerous than what nature gave him, prompting the TSA agent to sensitively ask him whether he had 'some sort of growth.'

Missing a prime opportunity to throw in a cheesy porn movie line - "What should we do about this... serious biological threat, officer?"-  Mr. Falcon allowed the agents to pat him down and send him on his merry way.

It's good to see taxpayers' dollars hard at work.

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You should have seen the size of the penis that got away...

Monday, July 16, 2012

Cat Celebrates 15th Anniversary as Town Mayor

Disappointed by the contenders for town mayor, the citizens of Talkeetna, Alaska, decided to nominate an alternative.

Using their voting prerogative to elect a write-in candidate, residents suggested a local named Stubbs as their next leader.

Fifteen years later, Mayor Stubbs is still in charge of the 900-person town - although some of the locals complain he's their laziest mayor yet.

Stubbs, a ginger part-Manx cat, has done little for local politics, but he's vastly improved the town's tourism prospects.

Since his inauguration, around 40 people a day flock to Nagley's General Store, where Mayor Stubbs enjoys his afternoon catnip in a wine glass.

The tech savvy feline even has his own Facebook page, which currently boasts nearly 2,000 subscribers - more than the average American teenager.

Best of all, the pint-sized politician has yet to embarrass the town with a salacious sex scandal, preferring instead to hang out at the general store and greet his constituents.

Neutering politicians? Now that's paws for thought...

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"I'd like to propose a new bylaw reducing the tax on catnip"

Friday, July 13, 2012

Deceased Dog Receives Voter Registration Forms

When Rosie Charlston's voter registration forms arrived in the mail, much of the key information was already filled in.

All Rosie needed to do was fill out a few additional details, sign the form, and pop it back in the mail.

Sounds like a simple enough task... except Rosie has neither the political inclination nor the opposable thumbs required to participate in this year's election.

And even if she did express an urgent desire to take a stand in the voting booth, Rosie the black labrador has one more obstacle to overcome...she died in 1998.

The letter, which was received by Rosie's owner, Brenda Charlston, was one of the 5 million registration forms recently sent out by the Voter Participation Center over the past few weeks.

Critics have argued that the organization, which targets Democrat-leaning voting blocs such as unmarried women, blacks, Latinos, and young adults, is deliberately trying to encourage voting fraud.

Several non citizens in New Mexico have already contacted the secretary of state's office asking why they have received forms having previously been told they could not vote.

Deliberate or not, there are bound to be howls of protest in the streets come November... 

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"Having carefully weighed all the issues, I'm going to vote for the guy who offers the most bacon."

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Chocolate Taster Forced to Quit Dream Job After Piling On Two Stone

A man who landed his dream job as a $46,000-a-year chocolate taster has been forced to quit after piling on dangerous amounts of weight.

Angus Kennedy, 47, became a real-life Willy Wonka in 2010 after he was given the role of Britain's chief chocolate taster.

The job required him to munch up to 2 lbs of weird and wonderful confectionery every day and then write about the products in trade journal Kennedy's Confection.

Top manufacturers, including Nestle and Mars, relied on Mr. Kennedy's expertise to sample new products before they hit the market.

Unfortunately, every profession comes with a downside, and in this case it came in the form of love handles.

During his two-year tenure as chief chocolate taster, the father-of-five piled on a whopping two stone (14 lbs) and raised his cholesterol to dangerously high levels.

Mr. Kennedy's doctors warned him that if he continued his treat-filled lifestyle, he was putting himself at risk of a heart attack.

Heeding their warnings, the chocolate lover, from Maidstone, Kent, has stepped down from his position and begun a strict diet and exercise regime to get himself back to his pre-Willy Wonka weight.

The 5,000-subscriber magazine presumably now faces the near-impossible task of finding someone who would be willing to take over Mr. Kennedy's role...

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"My job is killing me in the best possible way"

Photo Credit: SWNS

'Fifty Shades of Grey' Row Leads to Brown Sauce Attack

An irate boyfriend attacked his partner with a bottle of brown sauce after she refused to stop reading a popular erotic novel.

Raymond Hodgson, 31, was charged with common assault after he showed up at girlfriend Emma McCormick's house with a bottle of brown sauce and squirted her in the face with it.

The couple, from Cumbria, UK, had been arguing over McCormick's choice of reading material, with Hodgson protesting that the hit novel "50 Shades of Grey" was 'distasteful' and 'pornographic.'

Their argument continued over a two-day period, before escalating to the point where Hodgson decided he needed to take his revenge.

On June 26, he went to the home where his girlfriend lived with her parents. When she answered the door, they continued arguing until Hodgson slapped her once in the face and squirted her with the sauce.

Hodgson later pleaded guilty to a single charge of common assault in Carlisle Magistrates' Court and was given a 6-month community service order and ordered to pay his victim compensation.

Guess he showed her the true meaning of 'saucy'...

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"Oh no, please don't throw that brown sauce all over me and then smear it into my armpits..."

Punxsutawney Phil Found Guilty of Cemetery Vandalism

When American flags began disappearing from the tombstones of Civil War soldiers, horrified caretakers at a New York cemetery feared that local teens might be to blame.

Setting up surveillance cameras at the historic Cedar Park Cemetery in Hudson, New York, officials vowed to catch the unpatriotic culprits.

Several days later, the scoundrels were revealed - although punishing them for their crimes might prove to be a problem.

The cemetery vandals are none other than Cedar Park's own resident woodchucks, who managed to pilfer 75 miniature American flags in the days leading up to the country's Independence Day celebrations.

Punxsutawney Phil and his furry cronies swiped up to 17 flags a night, leaving the telltale scraps of evidence in their burrows.

The town's mayor told local news sources that the flags were coated in a substance that attracts woodchucks, and that similar incidents had been reported in other municipalities.

We still might not know how much wood a woodchuck can chuck, but at least we've answered the flag-eating question...

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"And there's going to be six more weeks of winter too. Bwahahahaha!"

Car Speared by Teepee Poles

A driver in Washington had a miraculous escape after ramming her car into a trailer full of wooden teepee poles.

The 27ft-long poles smashed through the front windscreen of the driver's Toyota Camry, piercing the entire length of the car before smashing the back windscreen as well.

Amazingly, the female driver survived the accident and was taken to St. Joseph's Hospital in Bellingham with a number of injuries.

Troopers responding to the accident were confused about why the woman had failed to slow down to avoid smashing into the trailer, which had braked to allow a truck to turn off the highway.

A spokesman for the highway patrol said it was a tents situation for all concerned...

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"Alright, who ordered the Toyota kebab?"

Monday, July 9, 2012

Cops Mistaken for Male Strippers

Crazed women at a bachelorette party pouncing on raunchy male strippers is standard Saturday night entertainment in Australia.

Unfortunately, not every police officer that greets the blushing bride-to-be is there for her entertainment.

As a hen party in Darwin discovered to their cost, sometimes uniformed men carrying guns are exactly who they claim to be.

The officers, who had been called to the tavern next to the Humpty Doo Hotel to investigate a disturbance of the peace, narrowly escaped the hen party encounter with their shirts intact.

Fortunately for the women, the law enforcement officials had a sense of humor about the situation and later posed for photos.

Don't try that one in Russia ladies...

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"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

Student Physicists Conclude Batman Would Die on Landing

A scientific study of Batman's cape has concluded that although the superhero might be able to fly, he would suffer horrific injuries upon landing.

Student physicists at the University of Leicester, UK, investigated the aerodynamics of Batman's special rigid cape.

They concluded that the cape - which at 15ft is about half the width of some hang gliders - would be sufficient to keep the superhero airborne over Gotham City.

However, the increase in velocity upon descent would likely result in the caped crusader becoming an unsightly stain on the pavement.

The team of four students found that if Batman jumped from a building 492ft (150m) high, he could glide a distance of around 1148ft (350 metres).

But his velocity would increase to about 68 mph as he descended before reaching a steady 50 mph as he approached street level - a speed too great for him to survive without serious injury.

In the paper, titled "Trajectory of a Falling Batman," the team recommends that Batman incorporate a parachute into his winged attire to ensure a safe landing.

Alternatively, he could use Robin as a crash mat...

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"Holy internal organ failure, Batman!"

Parents Attempt to Smuggle Baby in Luggage

An Egyptian couple attempted to sneak their five-month-old baby past customs officials by stuffing it inside a bag and running it through an airport scanner.

The husband and wife, who had been trying to enter the United Arab Emirates, were arrested at Sharjah International Airport on Friday and charged with child endangerment after exposing their tot to the radiation within the scanner.

Both parents had visas to enter the UAE, but had failed to procure one for their newborn son.

When they were initially detained at Sharjah Airport the couple were told that they would need to stay at immigration until the relevant office opened on Sunday.

Instead, the pair decided to make a break for it when customs staff changed at the end of their shift by hiding the baby in a carry-on bag.

At least the kid only got put through the carry-on scanner. If they'd had a daughter, they would have checked her into the hold...

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How on earth did this get in there?

Jailed Lawyer Sues Over Jigsaw Puzzle Ban

Stretching the Constitution to include the right to privacy is one thing, but a jailed Wall Street lawyer is trying to expand it that little bit further.

Alan Berkun, who was jailed for six years for stock fraud, claims that his First Amendment rights are being breached because prison chiefs... wait for it... won't allow him to keep jigsaw puzzles in his cell.

Yep, Berkun is taking a stand on this important issue, and he won't rest until every prisoner has the right to order jigsaw puzzles from

The prisoner, who is serving his sentence at a low security prison near Miami, Florida, has taken his case before a judge and government lawyers.

The ban on jigsaw puzzles is currently imposed by the US Bureau of Prisons because the pieces may clutter up cells and pose a fire hazard.

Let's hope that this urgent matter is cleared up before Berkun runs out of books to read in his cell...

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Fleecing people out of millions of dollars means I have to give up jigsaw puzzles? That's outrageous!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Zookeepers Make Smoking Orangutan Go Cold Turkey

Zoo keepers are encouraging an orangutan with a 10-year smoking habit to go cold turkey in an effort to protect her health.

Tori, a teenage primate at Satwa Taru Jurug zoo in Solo, Central Java, Indonesia, will be moved to a different area of the zoo away from visitors to allow her to kick the habit.

The nicotine addict developed her nasty habit when visitors threw lit cigarettes into her enclosure and she started mimicking their behavior.

Why it took 10 years for Tori's keepers to realize that this was a spectacularly bad idea is unclear, although we are talking about a country that actively encourages toddlers to chain smoke.

Good luck Tori - kicking the habit can be a real drag...

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I go ape if I don't get my morning nicotine fix

Mother Foils Son's Robbery Attempt

An angry mother stormed into a Mississippi convenience store to prevent her son from robbing it.

Sharron Mitchell foiled son Roy's attempt to rob a D's One Stop Food Mart by following him into the store and grabbing a fake gun out of his hands as he pointed it at the cashier.

Roy Mitchell, 22, tried to extort money from the cashier in Brandon, Mississippi on Tuesday by waving the weapon around as he paid for a bag of Doritos.

Rather than march her wayward son to the police station, Sharron Mitchell then pleaded with the woman behind the counter not to call the authorities, assuring her that Roy was only "mucking around."

If that's what passes for a lark down in Mississippi these days, I'm glad I live north of the border.

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"Don't worry, it's just a toy. And did you know he wet the bed until he was 14?"

Thursday, July 5, 2012

91-Year-Old Pulls Car with his Teeth

Most 91-year-olds are doing well if they remember to pop their dentures in every morning, but not WWII veteran Mike Greenstein.

The elderly strongman still has the power to pull a 3,800lb vehicle along the street using his own teeth - which he brushes with Kosher salt every morning to keep them in top condition.

Don't believe me? Watch the video...


Japanese Invent Robotic Buttocks

Not content with the subway chin rest, the full body umbrella, and the chopsticks fan, those crazy Japanese have come up with the ultimate pointless invention... robotic buttocks.

With the help of artificial muscles under silicon skin, the buttocks quiver when spanked, clench when stroked, and wobble gently in their default state of relaxation.

Inventor Nobuhiro Takahashi hopes to apply the use of emotions to robot faces in the future to help with non-verbal communication.

In unrelated news: Japanese tech conventions just received an influx of middle aged visitors from Thailand...

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"Go on, ass me a question..."

Student Fakes Kidnapping to Avoid Coursework Deadline

When Susan Paola Fadel Correia's dissertation deadline began looming, she knew she had to take drastic action.

But instead of pulling a few all-nighters like most of her classmates, the Brazilian university student decided to fake her own kidnapping.

She alleged that she had been abducted by three men in the Para capital of Belem, had her wrists tied, and was held in captivity for 24 hours.

Correia then maintained that she had escaped from her abductors and borrowed a phone from a man in the street to call her mother.

The student later admitted she had been hiding at a friend's house the entire time and was afraid to admit to her mother that she hadn't completed her coursework in time because the same thing happened last year.

Undoubtedly her mother is much happier with the potential 6-month prison sentence Correia now faces for the false reporting of a crime.

Let's hope this woman is not studying neuroscience...

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"My dog ate my homework. And then he was kidnapped too..."

Electronic Cigarette Causes Terror Alert

A passenger trying to sneak a crafty cigarette break on a coach sparked a massive terror alert and caused a four-hour traffic jam in the UK this week.

The passenger, who was on a Megabus coach traveling between Preston and London, was puffing the fake cigarette into a plastic bag so that his fellow travelers couldn't see what he was doing.

However, a concerned member of the public saw water vapor escaping from the bag, mistook it for a terror threat, and called the police.

Armed police shut down the M6 toll road and set up a decontamination unit before swooping in on the coach to search all the passengers.

The incident caused a four-hour traffic delay before police admitted that the whole thing was a false alarm.

Since electronic cigarettes do not contain tobacco, smoking them in a public place is perfectly legal.

But just to be on the safe side, quitters embarking on a long coach journey should probably stick to nicotine patches...

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Caution: May cause terror alert