Monday, September 10, 2012

Irate Neighbor Posts Online Critique of Neighbors' Karaoke Session

When his neighbors decided to hold an impromptu karaoke session in the early hours of Sunday morning, Oli Beale decided that an angry knock on the door wasn't going to cut it.

Instead, the 33-year-old advertising creative from Hackney, London, chose the passive aggressive route.

Compiling notes on each ear-shattering performance, he pinned his assessment on the communal notice board at his block of converted warehouse-style flats and uploaded a photo to Twitter.

Beale's stinging observations, several of which would have made Simon Cowell proud, were immediately retweeted several hundred times.

Mr Beale wrote: “Your terrace faces 115 windows so you really did have the perfect stage.

“I’m sure you’re keen to hear our verdict.”

He went on to rank each of their songs out of 10, giving his neighbors’ rendition of Pinball Wizard just three out of 10 and branding it “terrible.”

The only performance to receive a modicum of praise was Elton John's Tiny Dancer, to which Beale commented, 

“I’ve always said it: if you’re going to be woken up after 2 hours’ sleep, it might as well be to a herd of morons screaming ‘Tiny Dancer’.”

Sometimes living on a remote farm in the Scottish Highlands doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all...

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Friday, September 7, 2012

Scientists Develop Remote-Controlled Cockroaches

A team of researchers has created the ultimate spy technology...cyborg cockroaches.

Scientists from North Carolina State University have released a video showing how they are able to manipulate live roaches by attaching a tiny chip to the creatures' backs.

The remote micro-controller is wired directly into the bug's nervous system, enabling the researchers to direct the creature's movements via a series of electrical charges.

The research team hopes that the technology will ultimately be used to gather information from disaster zones and seek out survivors.

Either that or the cockroaches will be stolen by a Russian megalomaniac, fitted with giant laser beams, and used to take over the world.

Then we'll all be sorry we didn't listen to PETA...

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"Giant laser beam? Check. Pocket explosives? Check. Alright chaps, we're going in..."

Sexting Sculpture Displayed in Family Park

A statue of a young woman 'sexting' a photo of her bare breasts in a family park is causing outrage amongst conservative groups.

The bronze sculpture is currently on display in the Overland Park Arboretum in Kansas City - an area popular with families and young children.

The American Family Association of Kansas and Missouri has branded the artwork obscene, and is demanding that the work, 'Accept and Reject' by Chinese sculptor Yu Chang, be removed.

The group has so far collected 4,700 signatures demanding the statue's expulsion from the park - more than enough to compel a judge to convene a grand jury to assess the situation.

We'll be sure to keep you abreast of the matter...

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"And I'm driving without a seatbelt too..."

Quadruplet Schoolchildren Have Numbers Shaved Onto Heads

Unable to tell their own children apart, one couple has come up with an innovative way to assist teachers on the first day of school.

The Chaoyuns, from Shenzhen, China, took their six-year-old quadruplets to a local barber and had him shave numbers onto each of their heads.

Jiang Yunglong, Jiang Yun-Shao, Jiang Yunhan and Jiang Yunlin are now easily identifiable to their elementary school tutors.

Given China's one-child policy, we can only imagine how nervous numbers 2, 3, and 4 are feeling right now...

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"You're all individuals..."