Man Posts Self; Narrowly Avoids Suffocation

A man who attempted to surprise his girlfriend by posting himself in a giant cardboard box narrowly avoided suffocation after a delivery company error.

Hu Seng, from Chongqing city in southern China, decided to woo girlfriend Li Wang by posting himself to her office.

He asked a friend to tape him inside the box and paid an unsuspecting courier firm to transport it to Wang's office, where another friend was waiting to film the surprise.

Unfortunately, Seng's grand romantic gesture nearly ended in disaster when the delivery company mixed up the address and delayed the package.

Instead of spending 30 minutes in the sealed box, Seng, who had failed to make an airhole in the container's thick material, was trapped for three hours.

By the time his girlfriend received the package, the luckless Lothario had passed out from lack of oxygen and had to be revived by paramedics.

Nothing says 'I love you' like sending a loved one your cold, dead corpse.

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Surprise! It's my rotting corpse!

Bigfoot Run Over by 15-Year-Old Girl

A man who dressed as Bigfoot to fool passing motorists got the ultimate comeuppance last weekend when two teenage girls ran him over.

Randy Lee Tenley apparently thought it would be a good idea to stand in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 in northwestern Montana dressed in a Ghillie suit.

Tenley, a 44-year-old Kalispell resident and presumed virgin, hoped that passing motorists would be fooled into calling in a Sasquatch sighting.

Instead, he was mown down by two teenage drivers, suffered massive trauma, and died at the scene.

The teenage girls are reportedly planning a follow-up road trip next weekend to the North Pole...  

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Randy's mother just didn't understand why her son was still single...

Photo Credit: Melvin G. Tarpley

Thief Steals Phone from Ebola Victim; Catches Virus

In a rare case of karmic justice, a phone thief has gotten exactly what he deserves.

Alright, maybe no one actually deserves to catch a disease that causes severe diarrhea, vomiting, and bleeding from every orifice, but if ever there was a prime candidate it's the cowardly scumbag who steals a phone from a hospital patient.

This particular scumbag, a 40-year-old Ugandan man, took the phone from the isolation ward of a hospital where its owner was being kept in quarantine.

The fact that the hospital workers were all wearing big white biohazard suits should have been this guy's first clue, but apparently they weren't enough to dissuade him from stealing a $23 phone during an Ebola outbreak.

Fast-forward two weeks and our cerebrally-challenged crook is now back in the same hospital from which he stole the phone, being treated for symptoms of the deadly virus.

Sometimes karma's a bitch.

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"You washed your hands today, right?"

Spanish Pensioner Botches Ancient Artwork

A bumbling Spanish pensioner has caused a furor in her local parish by attempting to restore a prized piece of artwork.

Cecilia Gimenez, who is in her 80s, took a brush to a fresco of Jesus Christ that has held pride of place in the Sanctuary of Mercy Church near Zaragoza for more than 100 years.

The amateur painter was reportedly upset at the way the fresco had deteriorated over the years, and took it on herself to "restore" the image.

Unfortunately, Gimenez' efforts were... less than successful.

"Excellent job, Maud.  Now we have a few Picassos over here that could use a bit of touching up..."

As BBC Europe commentator Christian Fraser notes, the once-dignified portrait by Elias Garcia Martinez now resembles 'a crayon sketch of a very hairy monkey in an ill-fitting tunic'.

At some point, Gimenez realized she was out of her depth and contacted a local city councillor for advice.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

Ironically, the local art preservation society had just received a donation from the painter's granddaughter, which they had planned to use to restore the original fresco.

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Student Proves People are Celebrity-Obsessed Morons

A New York student managed to cause a 300-person pileup in the Big Apple by posing as a celebrity in the middle of Times Square.

Brian Cohen, a 21-year-old student with no previous experience in the entertainment business, hired a team of photographers and bodyguards for the day and walked through the city to see what would happen.

Depressingly, hundreds of people flocked to have their photo taken with him, even though none of them had the slightest idea who he was.

Some even claimed to be familiar with his work, declaring that he had a 'great future in the movie business.'

The three-hour experiment, conducted to expose the public's fascination with celebrity, confirmed what most of us have suspected for many years:

People are morons.

Man with World's Lowest Voice Only Heard by Elephants

Think Morgan Freeman has a deep voice? Meet Tim Storms, whose lowest note is so deep that only elephants can hear it.

Storms, a U.S. singer with a vocal range of an incredible ten octaves, is able to reach notes as low as G-7 (8 octaves below the lowest G on a piano).

The notes are so deep that he can't even hear them while he's singing, relying instead on being able to feel the frequencies.

The secret to Storms' remarkable abilities are his unusually long vocal chords, which doctors say are about twice the length of a normal human beings' vocal folds.

He currently holds the world record for the lowest note produced by a human, as well as the record for the widest vocal range.

Storms is now in hot demand from Hollywood voice over producers, who eagerly track him down to use his husky inflection on film trailers.

Probably beats hanging out at the zoo having a one-way conversation with the elephants...

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"I'm sorry, could you trumpet that a little louder?"

Woman Found Sleep-Swimming in River

An Idaho woman has been found sitting next to a river in her pajamas in the middle of the night in an apparent case of 'sleep-swimming'.

The 31-year-old woman, who has a history of sleepwalking, was found on the bank of the Snake River near her home in Burley, Idaho.

She was suffering from hypothermia and had to be taken to a local medical center for treatment.

The woman's husband sounded the alarm in the early hours of Tuesday morning after he discovered his wife missing and a sliding glass door in their house left open.

Police and neighbors began combing the area and discovered the woman about a quarter of a mile downstream from her home.

Reports indicate that this was the third incident in five weeks involving the woman, who is now being referred to a mental health specialist.

Mental health specialist? She should be given a top-ranking government position, the woman is clearly a multitasking genius...

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"I can't think of a single disadvantage to this sleep-swimming malarkey"