Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Termites Eat Woman's Life Savings

Greedy investment bankers might take a chunk of your change, but they probably won't purposefully eat through your entire life savings.

Unfortunately, as one Taiwanese woman discovered, termites most definitely will.

Although the woman's safe may have been burglar-proof and fire-proof, it was not pest-proof, and the pesky little critters munched their way through $50,000 in cash.

The woman, who had been saving the money for 8 years so she could study abroad, turned to Taiwan's Investigation Bureau for assistance after her bank refused to honor the notes.

Forensic experts only managed to piece together about a quarter of the notes from the woman's safe.

Guess she'll have to start bugging her parents for a loan...

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Doctors Remove Tumor Bigger than Patient

When Jesus Rodriguez was born a benign lump under his armpit, his parents weren't overly concerned.

But when the lump began taking over the entire right side of his body, doctors in his home country of Mexico had to perform a tricky operation to remove it.

The tumor, which stretched from the toddler's armpit to his hip, weighed a whopping 33lb - more than 26lb Jesus himself.

Doctors at La Raza hospital, where the operation took place, say the 10-hour procedure went well and the tot is expected to make a full recovery.

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This x-ray ain't big enough for the both of us...

Monday, June 25, 2012

World's Ugliest Dog Revealed

And the winner is...

Mugly, an 8-year-old Chinese Crested from the UK, who beat out 28 fellow ugly mutts to take the title of the world's ugliest dog.

The appropriately-named pooch was awarded $1,000 and a year's worth of dog treats to make up for the indignity he suffered at the annual contest in Northern California.

Oh sure, it's fine to enter Fido into an ugly dog contest, but the minute you try to make a little bit of money out of your aesthetically challenged 6th grade students on parents' evening...

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Beautiful rat you've got there, Bob

Anti-Semitic Elmo Cuffed in Central Park

Sesame Street characters traditionally teach children about love, tolerance, and how to make as much mess as possible while eating cookies.

Unfortunately, there's no guarantee that people who rent a character costume based on the popular children's television series share the same family values.

As a result, instead of learning about the letter 'a' and the number 43, you might get to learn a string of racial epithets and ethnic slurs.

Anti-semitic Elmo - the name's still available to trademark, folks - was swiftly cuffed by New York's finest and escorted out of Central Park as he urged passersby to read The International Jew.

There is no word as yet about whether the pamphlet of anti-semitic musings will feature on next week's storytime with Bert and Ernie...

Friday, June 22, 2012

Football Fan Dies of Exhaustion after Watching Every Euro 2012 Match

A dedicated football fan has paid the ultimate price for his devotion to the game after attempting to watch every single Euro 2012 match.

Jiang Xiaoshan stayed awake for 11 nights straight so he could watch the games with his friends in China.

But his body was unable to handle the lack of sleep combined with the effects of alcohol and tobacco.

After returning to his Changsha home after the Ireland versus Italy match, Xiaoshan fell asleep and never woke up.

So there you have it - proof that it is possible to die of boredom. Er... I mean exhaustion.

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"And the guy in the green gets the ball away from the guy in the blue..."

Man Crushed by Giant Cactus

An Arizona man is in intensive care after being crushed by a 16-foot cactus.

City worker William Mason, 40, was responding to an emergency water leak in a Yuma subdivision on Tuesday, when the giant saguaro fell on him and pinned him to the ground.

Members of Mason's work crew managed to free the unfortunate man, who suffered multiple injuries during the incident, including a broken back, broken leg, internal injuries, and a fever.

Doctors at Yuma Regional Medical Center also had to remove 146 cactus spines from his body.

Mason was undergoing surgery on Thursday night and remains in a serious condition.

There is no word as yet on the status of the cactus, although it is thought to be the aggressor in the incident. Witnesses said it was behaving like a giant prick...

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"I am the almighty saguaro and you shall bow down before me or pay the penalty..."

Dogs Smash Surfing Record

Ever wondered how many dogs you can fit on a surfboard?

Nope, me neither. But for future reference, the answer is 17.

The new world record was set at the Loews Coronado Bay Resort Surf Dog Competition in San Diego last weekend.

The charity event featured around 50 surfing pups of all shapes and sizes, some of whom looked like they were enjoying themselves more than others.

More proof that some pet owners are barking mad...

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"Now look like you're enjoying it!"

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Chinese Parenting Fail of the Week

And the winner of this week's parenting fail goes to......

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"You still back there son?"

Death Row Inmate Orders 29,000-Calorie Last Meal

When Mississippi State Penitentiary officials asked death row inmate Gary Carl Simmons what he wanted for his last supper, he saw no reason to skimp on portion size.

The condemned murderer, a 49-year-old grocery store butcher who was found guilty of shooting a man in 1996 and then using his meat carving knives to dismember the body, ordered a feast containing nearly 30,000 calories.

The meal would easily have fed a dozen people, although officials have not commented on whether the gluttonous inmate managed to consume it all.

In case anyone is interested in following the Simmons diet, the full order was as follows:

One Pizza Hut medium Super Supreme Deep Dish pizza, double portion, with mushrooms, onions, jalapeno peppers, and pepperoni; pizza, regular portion, with three cheeses, olives, bell pepper, tomato, garlic and Italian sausage; 10 8-oz. packs of Parmesan cheese; 10 8-oz. packs of ranch dressing; one family size back of Doritos nacho cheese flavor; 8 oz. jalapeno nacho cheese; 4 oz. sliced jalapenos; 2 large strawberry shakes; two 20-oz. cherry Cokes; one super-size order of McDonald's fries with extra ketchup and mayonnaise; and two pints of strawberry ice cream. 

In fairness, Simmons probably doesn't need to watch his waistline where he's going...

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"Oh, and a diet Coke..."

Monday, June 18, 2012

Chinese Farmer Takes 5,000 Ducks on Walk to Pond

Want to see something completely quackers? Here's a Chinese farmer escorting 5,000 ducks to the local pond.

The outing, which brought the streets of the eastern city of Taizhou to a complete standstill, is part of an annual tradition in Zhejiang province.

Bet the birds found it a real tweet...

Now that's poultry in motion...

Adidas Unveils 'Slave' Sneakers

In a stroke of marketing genius, sportswear giant Adidas has unveiled its latest style of footwear... slave sneakers.

Yep, the company's newest brand of trainer features stylish plastic orange shackles that the wearer can strap around his or her ankles...just like their ancestors did 200 years ago.

The shackles, which have no obvious function except for looking completely and utterly ridiculous, have caused outrage on Adidas' Facebook page, where the design was unveiled.

Either Adidas is trying to outdo Nike's outrageous 'Black and Tan' St. Patrick's Day trainers, or there's a hacker out there with a severely warped sense of humor...

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Are you sure these will make me run faster?

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Tourist Returns to Broken Down Car to Find It Blown Up by Police

When Nima Hosseini Razi drove his Ford Mondeo to London for the day, he was expecting nothing more dramatic than an overpriced afternoon tea.

Unfortunately, Mr. Razi's car chose the wrong moment to malfunction, forcing him to abandon the vehicle in a sensitive location near Parliament Square.

Underestimating the enthusiasm of the London traffic wardens, Mr. Razi left a pleading note on his windshield, asking them not to give him a ticket.

Unsurprisingly, the wardens weren't in a good mood that day. Instead of giving Mr. Razi a pass (not that he deserved one; the moron had inexplicably abandoned his vehicle and gone for a wander around Buckingham Palace), they called in the anti-terror brigade.

London's finest, who have probably been chomping at the bit for this exact scenario to occur since 9/11, then decided it would be prudent to evacuate Parliament Square and perform a controlled explosion on the vehicle.

Just to be on the safe side, the car was then issued a parking ticket and towed away.

Welcome to London, bitches.

Black Death Arrives in Oregon

A man in Oregon has contracted the plague after being bitten by an infected cat.

The unnamed man in his 50s was bitten by the stray animal while trying to remove a mouse from its jaws.

He later developed swollen lymph nodes, a symptom of the bubonic plague, followed by the septicemic form of the disease that involves bleeding from the mouth, nose, or rectum (an image that Oregon State Tourist Board probably won't be using in their summer advertising campaign).

The man, who is currently in critical condition at at St. Charles Medical Centre in Bend, Oregon, is the state's fifth plague victim in the past 20 years.

He'll presumably be pleased to know that the disease can be cured by modern antibiotics.

It affects around 10 to 20 people in the United States each year and has only caused four fatalities since 1934.

In the Middle Ages, however, victims weren't quite so lucky. Known as the Black Death, the plague wiped out up to 60 percent of Europe's population in the 14th century.

It was brought to Europe by rat-borne fleas on merchant ships traveling from China or central Asia.

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"Who, me?"

Photo credit: REX

Monday, June 11, 2012

Hitchhiker Writing Book Called 'The Kindness of America' Shot by Stranger

A man who was hitchhiking across the country to pen a memoir titled "The Kindness of America" has fallen victim to a random drive-by shooting.

Raymond Dolin, 39, was shot in the arm after he approached a pickup truck for a ride in Glasgow, Montana.

The shooter, 52-year-old Lloyd Danielson, fled the scene and was arrested four hours later in Culbertson, Montana, 100 miles away.

Danielson is being held on suspicion of felony assault with a weapon and driving under the influence.

Dolin, who is originally from West Virginia, was taken to hospital with non-life-threatening injuries and is reported to be recovering well.

Reports he is planning to change the title of his book to "Americans are Assholes" are as yet unconfirmed.

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"Hey man, shooting hippies is not cool. Can I still get that ride?"

Photo credit: AP

KKK Wants to Adopt Georgia Highway

A group affiliated with the Ku Klux Klan has applied to 'adopt' a mile-long stretch of highway in Georgia.

The Georgia Department of Transportation is currently reviewing the request filed by International Keystone Knights of the KKK in Union County.

The group wants to clean up part of Route 515 in the Appalachian Mountains in Blairsville.

Representatives for the group maintain they will not be wearing white robes during the clean-up operation.

Probably just as well. There's not a Tide stick tough enough to get mud stains out of white cotton...

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"White Power! Errr.... we mean Clean Roads!"

Photo credit: Curtis Compton, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Saudi Version of America's Got Talent Bans Women and Dancing

Contestants on the Saudi version of 'America's Got Talent' may find the rules a little more... restricting than their western counterparts.

The contest, which is being held north of the capital in the city of Buraydah, does not allow singing, dancing, or music.

Since the organizers have decided to obey the strict Islamic rules of segregation between the sexes, women are also banned from taking part.

But wait...don't turn off your TV sets just yet... there will be plenty of religious chants, poem recitals, and demonstrations of sporting prowess.

In a format that is sure to grip viewers from all nations, "Buraydah's Got Talent" will take place in the open air before a jury comprising a poet, a television producer, and TV presenters.

Wednesday night viewing will never be the same...

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Chipped Bowl Sells for $2.6 Million

A rare Chinese bowl that was bought for $100 after World War II has sold for over $2.6 million.

The 15th century Ming dynasty piece reached the astonishing sum at a UK auction, despite being chipped and damaged on the rim.

The 10-inch diameter dice bowl was expected to fetch around $31,0000, but caused a frenzy among Chinese bidders, and reached 84 times the expected sum.

For the past 60 years, the bowl has been in the possession of collectors Otto and Gertrude Harriman.

The Harriman family lent the collection to the Nottingham Castle Museum after Gertrude's death, but recently decided to part with it altogether.

Experts say that the dice bowl, which was decorated with five-claw dragons among cloud scrolls, would have sold for even more had it been in perfect condition.

As my father would say, "You could have bought a new one for that..."

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"No Timmy, that's not a cereal bowl!"

Friday, June 8, 2012

Couple Literally Sees Sparks Fly After Romantic Proposal Ends in Electrocution

Proposing to his girlfriend during a champagne balloon flight seemed like a good idea at the time.

But Martin Newsome, from Sellersburg, Indiana, is probably regretting his romantic gesture, which resulted in the electrocution of both his future wife and the balloon's pilot.

The disaster occurred after the balloon hit a power cable, knocking the pilot unconscious.

Pilot Dallas Beale, who fortunately survived the experience, then fell onto Newsome's girlfriend Sheri, electrocuting her and causing burns to her arm.

Newsome, who by this point was probably wishing he'd gone with the Jumbotron option, had to single-handedly land the balloon and resuscitate the pilot.

On the plus side, the girlfriend said yes...

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"OK, OK, I"ll marry you, just steer the balloon away from that power line..."

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Woman Takes Child out of Car Seat; Straps in Gas Can

And the award for this year's biggest parenting fail goes to...

The mother of this child in Colorado, who decided that the safety of her gas can was more important than the wellbeing of her unbuckled toddler.

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"Who's mummy's favorite little gas can? Cootchie cootchi coo"

Six-Year-Old Sends New York Giants Player his Pocket Money

When six-year-old Giants fan Joe Armento heard that his favorite player was leaving New York because the team couldn't afford to keep him, he decided to take action.

Raiding his piggy bank, Joe came up with $3.36, which he put in a plastic sandwich bag and mailed to running back Brandon Jacobs.

The enclosed note from Joe's mother, Julie, explains that the boy wanted to send Jacobs his pocket money after she told him that the Giants couldn't afford to keep the running back on their team.

Jacobs, who recently signed with the San Francisco 49ers, was so moved by Joe's gesture that he posted the letter online.

The player says he is planning to return Joe's money and may pay him a surprise visit, although sadly, the letter did not convince him to return to New York.

Given the fact that the maximum daily temperature in New York in January is 4 degrees celsius, you can't really blame him...

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"Thanks, kid. Now cough up the other $13 million and I'll think about it"

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Rogue Cheese-Rolling Race Held in Gloucestershire

Two years ago, officials banned the famous Gloucestershire cheese-rolling event on the basis of 'elf and safety.

This year, cheese lovers, adrenalin seekers, and wannabe anarchists decided to tell the jobsworths at the local council where to stick it, and hosted the event themselves.

Several hundred spectators watched as the athletes pursued the giant wheel of Double Gloucester cheese down 200 meters of wet, slippery grass, brambles, and nettles in Brockworth, UK.

You can almost see the health and safety officials wincing in anticipation of the broken limbs and threatened lawsuits.

But other than a few mud stains, no one appeared to be any the worse for wear after four races down the 1:2 gradient hill.

Local champion cheese roller Chris Anderson, 24, won two of the three men's races, and was awarded the wheel of Double Gloucester, despite not being a big fan of the strong-tasting cheese.

The unusual event has been celebrated for centuries and is believed to originate from a heathen festival celebrating the return of spring.

Apparently in Gloucestershire, planting daffodils and cleaning out the cupboards is for pussies...

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"Maybe we should have just gone to the dairy section in Asda"

World's Fattest Cat Tops Scales at 40lbs

Weighing roughly the size of eight chihuahuas, Garfield the cat is not exactly what you'd call svelte.

Having been awarded the dubious honor of receiving the 'world's fattest cat' title, the 40lb-moggie is now on a strict diet.

The portly puss was brought into North Shore Animal League of America in Port Washington, Long Island, after his owner died.

Like his lazy cartoon namesake, Garfield had been lazing around and gorging himself on whatever food he could find.

He has since been placed on a strict diet, and staff are hoping he can lose around 2lb a month. 

They are looking for a new owner who will keep him on the treadmill and away from the pies. 

Presumably, he will also need to be placed in a household with no chihuahuas...

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"I'm just big boned..."

Obese Corpse's Body Fat Sets Crematorium on Fire

An obese woman in Austria had so much body fat that when crematorium officials attempted to burn her remains, they set the entire building on fire.

The woman, who weighed more than 200kg (31 st, 7 lbs), caused the oven to overheat, starting the blaze at the crematorium in the southern city of Graz.

Reports state that the filter temperature reached over 300 degrees, and officials realized that there was a problem when thick black smoke began pouring into the building.

The device was turned off, but a fire had already started in the filter.

Most disturbingly, when firemen attended the scene, they were covered in a layer of greasy black soot - otherwise known as cremated body fat.

Pork sandwich anyone?

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"Mmm,  I just got a whiff of roast pork"

Monday, June 4, 2012

Man Turns Dead Cat into Helicopter

Most people choose to bury their deceased pets, or at least cremate them.

But not Dutch artist Bart Jansen. Nope - when his beloved cat Orville was run over by a car, Jansen chose to... turn him into a remote controlled helicopter.

Oh, I wish I was joking. The contraption, known as the 'Orvillecopter', is currently on display at the Kunstrai art festival in Amsterdam.

Jansen, who thankfully placed Orville's propellers posthumously, apparently said that he was paying tribute to his deceased pet by allowing him to finally play with the birds.

Still don't believe me? Here is the cinematic proof...

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Nope, it's a dead cat..."

Friday, June 1, 2012

Six-Year-Old Successfully Forges Parental Note

When six-year-old Gannon Farley decided he would rather play at home on his Wii than attend an after-school program, he knew just how to go about it.

Forging a note explaining that he would not be attending that day, the first-grader, from Middleboro, Massachusetts, handed it to his teacher.

Given that the note had three spelling mistakes and was written in bright yellow marker, the teacher was understandably suspicious about its authenticity.

She sent Gannon to the school secretary at Henry B. Burkland Elementary School who, upon trying and failing to reach his mother via telephone, sent him home alone on the bus.

The enterprising six-year-old was later found safe and well at a neighbor's house.

In the secretary's defense, the note was probably a vast improvement on most of those received from the illiterate single parents in the school district...

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The teachers were impressed that Gannon's mum had finally learned to read and write

Family of Man who Died During Threesome Wins $3 Million

The family of a man who died from a heart attack during a threesome has been awarded $3 million because doctors did not warn him about physical activity.

Lawyers representing the family of 31-year-old William Martinez successfully argued that he had not been warned about the dangers of strenuous activity before a scheduled checkup.

Martinez, a married father of two from Georgia, died of a heart attack after engaging in a threesome with a male friend and a woman who was not his wife.

He had been suffering from chest pains the week before, and was due to undergo tests at the CardioVascular Group in Lawrenceville the day after the threesome took place.

Jurors initially awarded his estate $5 million but reduced it to $3m after finding Martinez 40 per cent liable for his own death.

Given that if Martinez had not died of a heart attack, he would have been chopped into thousands of tiny pieces by his irate wife, it seems as though this was the best outcome for all concerned.

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Is that a pacemaker or are you just pleased to see me?

Judge Orders Adolf Hitler to Remain in Custody

A Superior Court judge has ruled that a couple in New Jersey will not regain custody of their children, one of whom is named Adolf Hitler.

The self-described Nazi parents lost custody of their children in 2009, when they drew attention after a local store refused to decorate a birthday cake with their young son's name on it.

Three of the couple's four children are named after Nazi figures and terminology.

Father Heath Campbell, who has reportedly split with the children's mother, Deborah, protested the decision, arguing that it was based purely on the names of the children and not on the couple's parenting abilities.

The neck tattoo may also have been a contributing factor...

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"He plays well with everyone in the class except for Abraham..."

Sesame Street Songs used to Torture Guantanamo Bay Prisoners

Detainees at Guantanamo Bay were allegedly forced to listen to Sesame Street songs for days on end as a form of torture.

The claims are made in a new documentary by Al Jazeera, and are also backed by a 2008 Associated Press report.

The report found that several songs, including the Sesame Street theme tune, were used as part of the interrogation process in Guantanamo in 2003.

Military officials have neither confirmed or denied the claims, stating only that the songs are not 'currently' being used at the detention facility.

Thousands of parents forced to watch the same repeat episode of Yo Gabba Gabba will undoubtably confirm the effectiveness of this torture technique. 

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"Aargh, please no... I can't take any more!"

'Cleaning Fairy' Breaks into Houses, Cleans, and Leaves Bill

It's a unique business plan that probably won't catch on; breaking into people's houses, cleaning them, and then leaving a bill.

The 'cleaning fairy' - 53-year-old Susan Warren - has apparently been using her unorthodox technique for quite some time, with varying degrees of success.

Unfortunately, the Ohio woman's latest unofficial cleaning job has landed her in hot water with the local police.

After picking a house at random, Warren broke in and then proceeded to take out the trash, vacuum the carpet, and wash the dishes.

She then left a bill for $75 with her name and address on a napkin.

The homeowners' daughter awoke to find the house neat and tidy and initially assumed that her parents had hired a cleaner.

They in turn assumed that Warren had accidentally cleaned the wrong house, and were stunned when they called the number on the napkin and discovered that her actions had been intentional.

Warren was arrested and taken to Cuyahoga County Jail, where she is facing felony burglary charges.

On the plus side, the next drunk driver in Cuyahoga County will enjoy spotless facilities at the county jail...

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